Musings and Identity

The title of this blog (Tales of a Scientist Mom, for my LJ friends where this gets crossposted to) ended up being more prophetic than I could have imagined. Even when I started it, unemployed, a mom, living in Michigan and unsure if I would find anything relevant to my career interests, I knew what to call myself.

Scientist Mom.

Not Mom Scientist, and I do believe the order is relevant here. A scientist first, mom second. Everything I teach my children I do with science in mind. Even with toys and clothes I prefer there to be a STEM flair of some kind, like a recent splurge on a toy laboratory set for Kaylee, who played with great gusto as soon as it arrived. Watching her imagine, with the beakers and eye droppers and test tubes, playing a scientist, mixing her 'chemicals' of different colored water, made me so proud.

When I read 'Rosie Revere Engineer' I cry every time Great Great Aunt Rose tells Rosie that trying and failing is when you learn the most as an engineer. That while Rosie's invention didn't succeed fully, it did almost and she just needed to keep trying. Target's latest line of kids clothing, Cat and Jack, begs for a direct infusion of money from my bank account with their awesome selection of shirts for boys but especially for girls. Shirts for girls that bear the words "Future President", pictures of dinosaurs in non-primary colors, "Yay Science" and GeNiUs spelled out with the periodic table of elements attract me like a fly to honey. They are things I want my girls to know, to wear proudly. They can be anything they set their minds toward.

I brought these things into their lives because I desperately wanted them to know that being smart and successful is something to strive for. I want to instill confidence before their peers might try and tear it down. Before teachers who aren't so up to date with their teaching methods ask why they're even bothering to try in the special math and science programs (happened to me). I want to prepare them to face the things I faced, to build them a mountain of success so when people try and take stabs at the base they don't crumble from a loss of foundation.

Leading up to my first day back to work I hemmed and hawed. Was I doing the right thing? Kaylee had gotten the benefit of a whole year of me being home before I worked again. Hazel was only getting 4 months. I knew Kaylee would be fine, but Hazel? She was still a baby. Would she eat? Would I miss out on those special moments? But I really wanted this job.  I told my fears to Eric and bless him he understood. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. And that there wasn't a right answer or any platitude that could ease my anxiety.

But I went anyway.  The allure of the laboratory was too strong.

Hazel did fine. She didn't eat, which I expected, but I kept pumping for her anyway. And I watched and learned new methodology, new types of microbiological testing. Then, unlike my last job, I was trusted to go it alone and work independently. What a difference. And with the constant work they have, I often leave knowing that there's more for me to do the next day. There's no time to sit and be bored or distracted.  If I have ADD, it does not affect me negatively in such an environment. When I'm at work I'm focused and I don't feel as though I need to be medicated. Or worry that the only way I'll succeed is if I achieve a diagnosis and prescription or therapy.

As I sat in the lab this week, slowly, methodically, innoculating black agar plates with samples of water that may have Legionella, I realized I was happy. As I looked at my nitrile gloved hands I realized that I loved that I could go home and tell Kaylee that I was a scientist and really mean it and say it with truth in my voice, rather than doubt of a stay at home mom who has once worked in a lab.

It was an empowering feeling.  I AM a scientist. Full stop. No qualifications needed on the statement. It feels good to say.

I'm a scientist.

I'm a microbiologist.

I'm also a mom.

I needed to have this facet of my identity restored.

And I'm working just enough, I think. I'm away for about six hours a day. A full third of that is commute. I don't have to get up early, we can wake up at our natural rhythm (around 7:30am) and snuggle in bed without feeling rushed. We get ready for school (if it's a school day).  I drop Kaylee off and can check in with her teacher.

My commute is my chill time. I listen to public radio and catch up on current events, or drive in silence, which sometimes soothes my introvert soul. Then at work I throw myself into my tasks. Maybe it's sampling the clean room, or taking all of the Legionella tests for the day and churning them out. Lunch with my coworkers, who are lovely and friendly. Pumping by myself, a short introvert recharge while I daydream about my baby snuggles from the morning and the gummy smiles Hazel greets me with when I come to pick her up. Then its finishing up lab work and writing reports if I need to and cleaning up my space. Then home, another quiet moment in the car while I listen to Terri Gross and Fresh Air on NPR until I reach the dead zone where neither coverage from the two different stations are good enough for continuous listening.

And then I'm picking up my girls and I can be on point and focused. I'm not yelling or frustrated or burnt out from too much extrovert 4 year old and a needy baby. I can breathe and give them the attention they deserve from me.

I'm a better mom. I feel it in my core. And that makes this all worthwhile.

More future potential stuff... but will I follow through?

Sometimes I feel like I talk a lot about things I could do without ever truly following through, especially in regards to going back to school or doing something in regards to a career.  This is another one of those posts.

Eric and I have been looking into Aquaponics as a way to be more self sufficient. We love the idea of growing our own food, because we like knowing where things come from, and the more we can do in that regard on a small scale, the better.

In regards to aquaponics, we'd be trying to set up a small, closed system at first. Because of Michigan winters we'd likely keep this all indoors to better control temperature and light.  An aquaponics system is a hybrid of a hydroponics system and an aquaculture system. A merger of the two, it uses the wastewater from fish to fertilize plants. The plants in turn filter the water that then return to the fish.

Our system will be a recirculating system, so the water is contained and doesn't go back into the environment. At first we'll just be using goldfish so we can get the hang of growing the plants, and cycling the water appropriately. Once that's stable, we'll replace the goldfish with Tilapia!

And then we'll have fresh fish grown in our own basement. We could potentially sell the extra fish, since Tilapia breed ridiculously quickly and grow to maturity pretty fast as well. And we'll have fresh veggies through the year.

I hope it gets off the ground. I hope we find an interest in the community for purchasing the fish in order to turn this into a business. Firefly Ranch could incorporate as an aquaculture farm!

We're off to visit my parents tomorrow, so this won't be realized until the new year, but it is something that Eric wants to do. I think he was inspired by a small hydroponics aquarium I got from a kickstarter.

That darn procrastination demon strikes...

I put off/completely forgot about Kaylee's health form that needed to be filled out for preschool. Partly because it was rather involved in getting filled out and things with lots of steps sort of intimidate me into not doing anything and partly because I really don't like talking on the phone.

BUT! I finally got it done (her pretty much getting an exclusion from school kicked my butt into gear, I'm so bad at adulting)

Things I had to do to fill out a form:

Find a primary care doctor, set up appointment for weeks out because new patient appointments were booked up
Call her old pediatrician to get her vaccination records
Learn that I can't just verbally release those, I had to fax a medical release form
Get annoyed
Contemplate just getting a moral exemption to make the form simpler but feel morally opposed to taking that route when the child is FULLY vaccinated
Call old pediatrician -again- and ask about medical release, learn a doctor's office will acquire records sooner, WTF, and even if you have the appointment, you still need to wait for records to arrive to fill out vaccine history
Ask old office if they will verbally recite vaccine history so you can have the form completed, office tells you they'll call you back
Office calls back and gladly verbally gives you vaccine history, you thank them profusely and fill out the form


Still to do:

Take Kaylee to her new appointment tomorrow where she will get her flu shot and have her form filled out. This will also be her VERY belated 3 year check up. Oops.  Moving screws you up, yo.

Turn in form next week and pray to the flying spaghetti monster that she can still be enrolled now that her form is complete.



I did have coffee today, which might explain how this all got done. And Eric worked from home so I felt like I was under observation to be productive. Guess it worked.

Huh...

I was reading a post from another Mom asking for help with her daughter and everything the mother was describing was like a flashback to me as a child. The mom was concerned about her daughter's potential for success since it seemed like she hit every single marker for Inattentive type ADD.

So I look up the traits for both childhood and adult ADD.


Aaaaaaand I fit pretty much the entire description. It's a little scary how damn accurate it is for me. But it also explains quite a lot about how I handled high school (decent, with incredibly management on my parents' part), college (okaaaaaay) and graduate school (HAHAHAHAHA) It explains why I was so successful with my job at Bio-Rad (highly structured with time deadlines throughout the day and week) but failed miserably at the crime lab (highly unstructured with minimal to no deadlines even week to week). It

I'm not sure what to do with this. It does give me an avenue of support to reach out to if I want an official diagnosis to get some behavioral therapy and possibly medication, though I'd rather seek out therapy options first before medicating. I might push for medication if I go back into the workforce, to give me the best chance at success. Right now I think with some more support day to day I don't need anything more than social strategies for managing the home and farm.

I know my mom had mentioned in passing that she thought I might have ADD and never really pursued it, but I think it was before inattentive was classified. When I called her to tell her, she just went, "Yeah, your Dad and I thought so, but didn't want to say anything and let you come to that conclusion yourself".  Apparently, the amount they needed to manage me vs. my younger brother was dramatically different enough for them to go, "Huh, maybe Amy has something going on...."

Knowing is half the battle, right? And now I can devise coping strategies to help me keep my life together.