Hidden Costs of Science

There is a push in the scientific community that data should be freely accessible and not hidden behind a paywall. I believe in this strongly. Many scientists I know got into the field because they feel a strong affinity for learning and being able to share what they've learned with everyone. As I'm juggling several things in life regarding science and lab work one thing has increasingly become quite apparent: There is an invisible cost bar to citizen science and citizen self study. As I'm trying to start my own lab (whooo, big post I've been avoiding making for reasons), dealing with current lab's recent audit (can't say much due to privacy and NDA), I've really been digging into the nitty gritty details of what it takes to run a certified, private laboratory. The initial costs that you expect (equipment, consumables, space) is understandable to some extent and can be mitigated by hunting for deals on used equipment and government auction sites of equipment they no longer need. But then there's the protocols that are industry standards and accepted as the way to have consistent results from lab to lab and person to person. In my current field there are two standards agencies that we pull methods from: ASTM and ISO. A single pdf copy of an ASTM method can be purchased for a little less than $50 USD. (So far that I've seen, there might be price variants that I haven't discovered). That copy is authorized for ONE user. To technically be in compliance with the copyright, my lab should be purchasing the rights for every person who uses the SOP. But instead we just copy off the one and pass it around. To acquire every single ASTM standard, for the current year, would be just over $10,000 USD for a digital copy, single user copyright. When it comes to an ISO standard they get trickier. We are currently working on an audit for an agency that requires us to follow ISO 12345* *not the actual # Several of the deficiencies cite laboratory failure to follow protocols, including details on holding time between sampling and testing, and quality control of an in house component made for the test. If you look up in ISO 12345 the details regarding what is required, the SOP just states to refer to ISO 12333 and ISO 1223. I went to an online store that sells access to these digital copies and added them to my cart to see what the total would be if I purchased all six (12345 + the 5 referenced) and the total came out to $943 USD. So now, as a citizen trying to start a lab, I need to add in a budget to purchase my SOP sources because they are not available in any reasonable manner. No wonder science, as a business, is out of reach for the average person, even one with a relevant degree. Not to mention the costs associated with achieving certification. Before you can even apply to have a lab certified with some agencies, you have to pay them for access to their audit standards to be prepared. Then you pay their employees to come to your lab for the audit. So if I want to achieve certification for my lab, I can't even tell if it's worth doing and preparing from the start without being out money. Because I can't take clients on until I can offer them the guarantee that the certification provides.

Pub Draw and Creative Goals

For a while now I've been listening/watching the livestream or podcast of Critical Role. It scratches a Dungeons and Dragons itch that I get now that our gaming group is gone, left either in Florida or Washington. IMO, it's better than some of the TV shows available nowadays.

They recently started a spinoff where an artist, Babs Tarr, teaches Marisha (one of the players and also a voice actress), how to draw. This was inspired by the plethora of fan art that gets shared with the Critical Role community but I think it's really a wonderful thing. Babs is super talented and she really breaks things down in a way that makes drawing characters extremely accessible.

As part of 2019 I made a committment to myself to engage in some form of creative endeavor once a month at a minimum, with once a week being my goal. Pub Draw will be live streamed once a week on Twitch @critrole so it's an easy way to meet my goal while following along to her instruction! I'm already super pleased with the one thing I've done. Take a look!

 I sketched this on watercolor paper and did some of the simple lines in a waterproof ink. I'm going to try and paint it later.

 One of the things she suggested to do was warming up with circles, just to get your hand feeling confident in moving the pencil around on the paper. I did a few of those too, especially during the downtime.

On this one you can see some other practice stuff I did after watching a video on SkillShare. That's also a good resource for classes in artistic and business endeavors. I accidentally paid for a year membership so now I'm determined to get my money's worth.

I'm also currently working on a gift for a Mom Friend (and using a skill share video to help me along). It will be a painting of Orchids. I started it and then Eric went and Marie Kondo'd the kitchen which immediately covered the dining room table in stuff. It's finally mostly cleared off so I'm going to get working more on this too.

Super super work in progress level, lol

Musings and Identity

The title of this blog (Tales of a Scientist Mom, for my LJ friends where this gets crossposted to) ended up being more prophetic than I could have imagined. Even when I started it, unemployed, a mom, living in Michigan and unsure if I would find anything relevant to my career interests, I knew what to call myself.

Scientist Mom.

Not Mom Scientist, and I do believe the order is relevant here. A scientist first, mom second. Everything I teach my children I do with science in mind. Even with toys and clothes I prefer there to be a STEM flair of some kind, like a recent splurge on a toy laboratory set for Kaylee, who played with great gusto as soon as it arrived. Watching her imagine, with the beakers and eye droppers and test tubes, playing a scientist, mixing her 'chemicals' of different colored water, made me so proud.

When I read 'Rosie Revere Engineer' I cry every time Great Great Aunt Rose tells Rosie that trying and failing is when you learn the most as an engineer. That while Rosie's invention didn't succeed fully, it did almost and she just needed to keep trying. Target's latest line of kids clothing, Cat and Jack, begs for a direct infusion of money from my bank account with their awesome selection of shirts for boys but especially for girls. Shirts for girls that bear the words "Future President", pictures of dinosaurs in non-primary colors, "Yay Science" and GeNiUs spelled out with the periodic table of elements attract me like a fly to honey. They are things I want my girls to know, to wear proudly. They can be anything they set their minds toward.

I brought these things into their lives because I desperately wanted them to know that being smart and successful is something to strive for. I want to instill confidence before their peers might try and tear it down. Before teachers who aren't so up to date with their teaching methods ask why they're even bothering to try in the special math and science programs (happened to me). I want to prepare them to face the things I faced, to build them a mountain of success so when people try and take stabs at the base they don't crumble from a loss of foundation.

Leading up to my first day back to work I hemmed and hawed. Was I doing the right thing? Kaylee had gotten the benefit of a whole year of me being home before I worked again. Hazel was only getting 4 months. I knew Kaylee would be fine, but Hazel? She was still a baby. Would she eat? Would I miss out on those special moments? But I really wanted this job.  I told my fears to Eric and bless him he understood. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. And that there wasn't a right answer or any platitude that could ease my anxiety.

But I went anyway.  The allure of the laboratory was too strong.

Hazel did fine. She didn't eat, which I expected, but I kept pumping for her anyway. And I watched and learned new methodology, new types of microbiological testing. Then, unlike my last job, I was trusted to go it alone and work independently. What a difference. And with the constant work they have, I often leave knowing that there's more for me to do the next day. There's no time to sit and be bored or distracted.  If I have ADD, it does not affect me negatively in such an environment. When I'm at work I'm focused and I don't feel as though I need to be medicated. Or worry that the only way I'll succeed is if I achieve a diagnosis and prescription or therapy.

As I sat in the lab this week, slowly, methodically, innoculating black agar plates with samples of water that may have Legionella, I realized I was happy. As I looked at my nitrile gloved hands I realized that I loved that I could go home and tell Kaylee that I was a scientist and really mean it and say it with truth in my voice, rather than doubt of a stay at home mom who has once worked in a lab.

It was an empowering feeling.  I AM a scientist. Full stop. No qualifications needed on the statement. It feels good to say.

I'm a scientist.

I'm a microbiologist.

I'm also a mom.

I needed to have this facet of my identity restored.

And I'm working just enough, I think. I'm away for about six hours a day. A full third of that is commute. I don't have to get up early, we can wake up at our natural rhythm (around 7:30am) and snuggle in bed without feeling rushed. We get ready for school (if it's a school day).  I drop Kaylee off and can check in with her teacher.

My commute is my chill time. I listen to public radio and catch up on current events, or drive in silence, which sometimes soothes my introvert soul. Then at work I throw myself into my tasks. Maybe it's sampling the clean room, or taking all of the Legionella tests for the day and churning them out. Lunch with my coworkers, who are lovely and friendly. Pumping by myself, a short introvert recharge while I daydream about my baby snuggles from the morning and the gummy smiles Hazel greets me with when I come to pick her up. Then its finishing up lab work and writing reports if I need to and cleaning up my space. Then home, another quiet moment in the car while I listen to Terri Gross and Fresh Air on NPR until I reach the dead zone where neither coverage from the two different stations are good enough for continuous listening.

And then I'm picking up my girls and I can be on point and focused. I'm not yelling or frustrated or burnt out from too much extrovert 4 year old and a needy baby. I can breathe and give them the attention they deserve from me.

I'm a better mom. I feel it in my core. And that makes this all worthwhile.

Palytoxin

My article is online and published and a check is in the mail.

This is an AWESOME feeling. I can't wait for my next article assignment. I really enjoyed devoting time to this. It was a good exercise in time management since I needed to work on it when Hazel was sleeping and that time is limited in quantity.

Palytoxins

Science!!

A college acquaintance contacted me about doing some writing for his organization. I jumped at the chance and started working on my assignment today! It's a paid writing gig and I'm really enjoying being able to throw myself into some awesome science and learn about a new topic.

My research topic is all about palytoxins and their dangers in reefkeeping. The take home message that I'm seeing emphasized over and over again in my reading is that if you're handling live rock and coral, wear gloves, wear eye protection and probably a mask too. And keep pets out of the area. This stuff is nasty and it will not discriminate in cells that it targets.

It feels really good to be delving back into research and science. And given Hazel's current nap schedule, I actually have time to get this done and work from home. It's an all around good feeling for me right now.

In other news, I finally got the vet out to see the animals. I need to acquire some dewormer for both of them and Gwyn needs to lose weight... oops.

I do my best research and learning by summarizing what I read and handwriting notes. This later helps me organize what I want to write. I'm also making a digital copy in case a 4 year old occurs.

It can be hard to do research with a 4 year old on your back

During the vet visit. Gwyn and Saffron were well behaved, Hazel fell asleep, and Kaylee was the whiniest whiner.

We've been going for evening walks. This was last night. An impromptu math lesson.

I love these girls.

At the track for our evening walk. Yes she is wearing snow boots...

I can see the big kid in her face in this picture. I love it.

Troll Body

Tuesday night and early wednesday morning I had timeable contractions that persisted through all the things that I've been taught they'll persist through if it's really labor.

And then I ate breakfast on Wednesday and everything stopped. I had already tapped Eric to stay home so it was nice that he was with me, but it was so frustrating.

I had a bit of a mental breakdown Thursday at the thought of now having so much less time before my induction Monday morning and sent a panicked message to my midwife, who never actually saw it before I was able to talk to her in person on Friday.

Having the induction puts restrictions on me that I do NOT WANT. I have to be constantly monitored, I think they're going to want me to have IV fluids in addition to pitocin, which I do NOT WANT. I can handle the pitocin, I just want to be able to hydrate myself. I might be restricted to ice chips only, which is a fuckery beyond imagine because you need energy to deal with labor and if I can't even have clear fluids (which is a minor enough fuckery to me) that's just bullshit on all levels and I'm just being set up to fail.

I'm planning on bringing in food anyway. Because fuck those policies. Especially  now that the American Society of Anesthesiologists recommends a light meal in labor and not the fasting that was previously pushed.

"A light meal could include fruit, light soups, toast, light sandwiches (no large slices of meat), juice and water."
https://www.asahq.org/about-asa/newsroom/news-releases/2015/10/eating-a-light-meal-during-labor

The cherry on the fucking top is after having some awesome sex last night (I'm beyond caring about TMI at this point) I woke up early in very timeable, very painful contractions that were around 4 minutes apart, lasting for a minute. I started timing them to get to the hour mark and right at the hour mark they started spacing out. And then I was just exhausted from getting up early (and I had eaten at that point)  so I laid down and they fucking disappeared entirely.

I got a nice nap in though. But I was pissed off.

So I went across the street to the high school and walked a mile. Goddammit body, stop fucking with me and just get it done with already. 

I did snuggle with my pony.

And then I walked.

More future potential stuff... but will I follow through?

Sometimes I feel like I talk a lot about things I could do without ever truly following through, especially in regards to going back to school or doing something in regards to a career.  This is another one of those posts.

Eric and I have been looking into Aquaponics as a way to be more self sufficient. We love the idea of growing our own food, because we like knowing where things come from, and the more we can do in that regard on a small scale, the better.

In regards to aquaponics, we'd be trying to set up a small, closed system at first. Because of Michigan winters we'd likely keep this all indoors to better control temperature and light.  An aquaponics system is a hybrid of a hydroponics system and an aquaculture system. A merger of the two, it uses the wastewater from fish to fertilize plants. The plants in turn filter the water that then return to the fish.

Our system will be a recirculating system, so the water is contained and doesn't go back into the environment. At first we'll just be using goldfish so we can get the hang of growing the plants, and cycling the water appropriately. Once that's stable, we'll replace the goldfish with Tilapia!

And then we'll have fresh fish grown in our own basement. We could potentially sell the extra fish, since Tilapia breed ridiculously quickly and grow to maturity pretty fast as well. And we'll have fresh veggies through the year.

I hope it gets off the ground. I hope we find an interest in the community for purchasing the fish in order to turn this into a business. Firefly Ranch could incorporate as an aquaculture farm!

We're off to visit my parents tomorrow, so this won't be realized until the new year, but it is something that Eric wants to do. I think he was inspired by a small hydroponics aquarium I got from a kickstarter.

NaNoWriMo

Technically I opted in to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, to write 50,000 words within the 30 day month of November.

To give you an idea of how well I'm doing with that goal, the dashboard on my profile page has a ticker that estimates your date of completion based on your progress thus far.

My estimated date of completion is May 18, 2018.

So yeah. That went well this year. Not.

It just wasn't in the cards for me. I am making a last ditch effort to help my team for a weekend word war on the nanoljers website because of a remarkably persistent team leader who has been really following up. I admire his/her determination. And I am ever loyal to Team Clio, so write I've been doing.

Plus, I needed to do that anyway since I've got a Kickstarter reward to redeem that involves an author doing a decent edit of my novel and I need to have something to send him that won't be embarrassing and will actually be productive.

Writing since we moved to Michigan has been nonexistent, which is a little frustrating, but honestly something I only just realized. I have NO inspiration, no drive, to write creatively. It's a depressing thought. I want to write, I just... can't. Either I can't find the time or I have no idea what I want to say or how to say it. Maybe I need to work it back in as an every day chore to do, like cleaning the barn and feeding the critters.

I do wish I had done more this November. But looking back I don't know when I would have done it.

Huh...

I was reading a post from another Mom asking for help with her daughter and everything the mother was describing was like a flashback to me as a child. The mom was concerned about her daughter's potential for success since it seemed like she hit every single marker for Inattentive type ADD.

So I look up the traits for both childhood and adult ADD.


Aaaaaaand I fit pretty much the entire description. It's a little scary how damn accurate it is for me. But it also explains quite a lot about how I handled high school (decent, with incredibly management on my parents' part), college (okaaaaaay) and graduate school (HAHAHAHAHA) It explains why I was so successful with my job at Bio-Rad (highly structured with time deadlines throughout the day and week) but failed miserably at the crime lab (highly unstructured with minimal to no deadlines even week to week). It

I'm not sure what to do with this. It does give me an avenue of support to reach out to if I want an official diagnosis to get some behavioral therapy and possibly medication, though I'd rather seek out therapy options first before medicating. I might push for medication if I go back into the workforce, to give me the best chance at success. Right now I think with some more support day to day I don't need anything more than social strategies for managing the home and farm.

I know my mom had mentioned in passing that she thought I might have ADD and never really pursued it, but I think it was before inattentive was classified. When I called her to tell her, she just went, "Yeah, your Dad and I thought so, but didn't want to say anything and let you come to that conclusion yourself".  Apparently, the amount they needed to manage me vs. my younger brother was dramatically different enough for them to go, "Huh, maybe Amy has something going on...."

Knowing is half the battle, right? And now I can devise coping strategies to help me keep my life together.

Goals Update

In addition to trying to conceive I've also been focused on losing weight. It's obviously a good idea in general and can help with fertility. About three months ago I started tracking my calories on MyFitnessPal. I set my goal at 2 lb/week loss and stated that I was sedentary. It gave me a daily goal of 1500 calories.

Since then, I've nearly lost 20 lb! I added in bike riding, horse riding (of course), Daily Burn cardio, and now that we're moved in, Couch to 5K (C25K). I'm on week 2 of C25k. I'm not specifically limiting myself on food, except for portions, so I'm able to treat myself once in a while so long as my calories allow for it.

Previously, I had set rewards for myself for every 20lb of weight loss. I'm revisiting that here since I'm at an award point!

20lb lost:  Go crazy purple with my hair

40 lb lost: BtB tattoo of a paper airplane (previously this was a new piercing but I'm not as thrilled as I once was )

60 lb lost: This was previously new geek shirts, but I might change it

80 lb lost:   Cross country safety vest

100lb lost: TALL BOOTS!!!!

120 lb lost: A SUPER expensive pair of show breeches, like pikeurs, or something, I dunno

140 lb lost: TBD.  I'm not sure I could get here. This would put me at 140 lb lost and I would be half the person I was, quite literally. Maybe plastic surgery to remove loose skin?


Obviously a lot of my goals are horse oriented, and not without reason. It's nearly impossible to be a fat girl in an english show world. In fact, there is no way I could even compete in cross country right now because they require competitors to wear safety vests not only to compete but also to school. This is different from when I was growing up when it was just suggested. I've got to slim down to be safe and be healthier for my horse.


So yeah, expect purple hair pictures in a bit. I still need to find a place to do it, but I'm definitely doing it.