Musings and Identity

The title of this blog (Tales of a Scientist Mom, for my LJ friends where this gets crossposted to) ended up being more prophetic than I could have imagined. Even when I started it, unemployed, a mom, living in Michigan and unsure if I would find anything relevant to my career interests, I knew what to call myself.

Scientist Mom.

Not Mom Scientist, and I do believe the order is relevant here. A scientist first, mom second. Everything I teach my children I do with science in mind. Even with toys and clothes I prefer there to be a STEM flair of some kind, like a recent splurge on a toy laboratory set for Kaylee, who played with great gusto as soon as it arrived. Watching her imagine, with the beakers and eye droppers and test tubes, playing a scientist, mixing her 'chemicals' of different colored water, made me so proud.

When I read 'Rosie Revere Engineer' I cry every time Great Great Aunt Rose tells Rosie that trying and failing is when you learn the most as an engineer. That while Rosie's invention didn't succeed fully, it did almost and she just needed to keep trying. Target's latest line of kids clothing, Cat and Jack, begs for a direct infusion of money from my bank account with their awesome selection of shirts for boys but especially for girls. Shirts for girls that bear the words "Future President", pictures of dinosaurs in non-primary colors, "Yay Science" and GeNiUs spelled out with the periodic table of elements attract me like a fly to honey. They are things I want my girls to know, to wear proudly. They can be anything they set their minds toward.

I brought these things into their lives because I desperately wanted them to know that being smart and successful is something to strive for. I want to instill confidence before their peers might try and tear it down. Before teachers who aren't so up to date with their teaching methods ask why they're even bothering to try in the special math and science programs (happened to me). I want to prepare them to face the things I faced, to build them a mountain of success so when people try and take stabs at the base they don't crumble from a loss of foundation.

Leading up to my first day back to work I hemmed and hawed. Was I doing the right thing? Kaylee had gotten the benefit of a whole year of me being home before I worked again. Hazel was only getting 4 months. I knew Kaylee would be fine, but Hazel? She was still a baby. Would she eat? Would I miss out on those special moments? But I really wanted this job.  I told my fears to Eric and bless him he understood. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. And that there wasn't a right answer or any platitude that could ease my anxiety.

But I went anyway.  The allure of the laboratory was too strong.

Hazel did fine. She didn't eat, which I expected, but I kept pumping for her anyway. And I watched and learned new methodology, new types of microbiological testing. Then, unlike my last job, I was trusted to go it alone and work independently. What a difference. And with the constant work they have, I often leave knowing that there's more for me to do the next day. There's no time to sit and be bored or distracted.  If I have ADD, it does not affect me negatively in such an environment. When I'm at work I'm focused and I don't feel as though I need to be medicated. Or worry that the only way I'll succeed is if I achieve a diagnosis and prescription or therapy.

As I sat in the lab this week, slowly, methodically, innoculating black agar plates with samples of water that may have Legionella, I realized I was happy. As I looked at my nitrile gloved hands I realized that I loved that I could go home and tell Kaylee that I was a scientist and really mean it and say it with truth in my voice, rather than doubt of a stay at home mom who has once worked in a lab.

It was an empowering feeling.  I AM a scientist. Full stop. No qualifications needed on the statement. It feels good to say.

I'm a scientist.

I'm a microbiologist.

I'm also a mom.

I needed to have this facet of my identity restored.

And I'm working just enough, I think. I'm away for about six hours a day. A full third of that is commute. I don't have to get up early, we can wake up at our natural rhythm (around 7:30am) and snuggle in bed without feeling rushed. We get ready for school (if it's a school day).  I drop Kaylee off and can check in with her teacher.

My commute is my chill time. I listen to public radio and catch up on current events, or drive in silence, which sometimes soothes my introvert soul. Then at work I throw myself into my tasks. Maybe it's sampling the clean room, or taking all of the Legionella tests for the day and churning them out. Lunch with my coworkers, who are lovely and friendly. Pumping by myself, a short introvert recharge while I daydream about my baby snuggles from the morning and the gummy smiles Hazel greets me with when I come to pick her up. Then its finishing up lab work and writing reports if I need to and cleaning up my space. Then home, another quiet moment in the car while I listen to Terri Gross and Fresh Air on NPR until I reach the dead zone where neither coverage from the two different stations are good enough for continuous listening.

And then I'm picking up my girls and I can be on point and focused. I'm not yelling or frustrated or burnt out from too much extrovert 4 year old and a needy baby. I can breathe and give them the attention they deserve from me.

I'm a better mom. I feel it in my core. And that makes this all worthwhile.

Biosan

We're falling into an easy routine and this is only day 2 of my new job!

It's funny, I've worked in 6 different laboratories now and none of them have had similar policies regarding PPE (personal protective equipment).  I've run the gamut too, from devil may care "you probably should wear UV goggles while using the UV light but mehhhh let's go mouth pipet" in grad school to super strict booties, hair cover, jumpsuit, face mask, goggles and gloves in the production rooms at BioRad.

Biosan is a combination of super lax (we can wear scrubs to work!) and moderately rigid (clean room garb in their production room).  The work, likewise, is also an amalgamation of things I've done, and enjoyed, previously.

They make and sell their own product in house for detecting bacteria and fungi. These are the Sanicheck Test kits. They also sell mini countertop incubators for the kits for companies that don't need full devoted lab space to do occasional quality control work.

Part of my job is to do the environmental monitoring of their production room where they make the Sanicheck kits. This is exactly what I did with Biorad only not as thorough (imo).  I'm just taking surface swabs and not doing a quantitative check by using a gridded contact plate. I'm also not doing air particulates. They may have determined that it's not necessary and as long as the product is meeting goal, then cool for them. And by self admission from my supervisor, no one uses the alcohol spray for their hands... LOL.

Lab coat is optional, no one has goggles, gloves are provided and so are face masks, which I took advantage of when I did a fungal challenge today that included Penecillium since I'm allergic.

Biosan also accepts samples from other companies for analysis. They have a list of tests that they perform. The majority of this work is Legionella testing, which is especially relevant right now in Michigan since McLaren Hospital in Flint has another case of Legionnaires disease on top of lead pipes that have yet to be replaced thanks to beauracracy.

Either way, I'm feeling really welcome by the group at Biosan. Tomorrow I'm letting my geek flag fly and wearing a geeky tshirt. I was way overdressed for my first day with slacks and a dressy top and close toed dressy shoes. Today I wore a solid color casual shirt with nice jeans and sneakers which is still on the nicer end of things that people wear, lol. It will likely be my go to style since it feels nice to be out looking decent and not wearing what I slept in, oh boy SAHM life, hahah.

When I'm home, I feel guilty about leaving Hazel at daycare (not so much Kaylee, she loves the socialization) but when I'm at work it feels SO NICE to be exercising my brain and my lab skills. This job is so worthwhile.

Science!!

A college acquaintance contacted me about doing some writing for his organization. I jumped at the chance and started working on my assignment today! It's a paid writing gig and I'm really enjoying being able to throw myself into some awesome science and learn about a new topic.

My research topic is all about palytoxins and their dangers in reefkeeping. The take home message that I'm seeing emphasized over and over again in my reading is that if you're handling live rock and coral, wear gloves, wear eye protection and probably a mask too. And keep pets out of the area. This stuff is nasty and it will not discriminate in cells that it targets.

It feels really good to be delving back into research and science. And given Hazel's current nap schedule, I actually have time to get this done and work from home. It's an all around good feeling for me right now.

In other news, I finally got the vet out to see the animals. I need to acquire some dewormer for both of them and Gwyn needs to lose weight... oops.

I do my best research and learning by summarizing what I read and handwriting notes. This later helps me organize what I want to write. I'm also making a digital copy in case a 4 year old occurs.

It can be hard to do research with a 4 year old on your back

During the vet visit. Gwyn and Saffron were well behaved, Hazel fell asleep, and Kaylee was the whiniest whiner.

We've been going for evening walks. This was last night. An impromptu math lesson.

I love these girls.

At the track for our evening walk. Yes she is wearing snow boots...

I can see the big kid in her face in this picture. I love it.

Troll Body

Tuesday night and early wednesday morning I had timeable contractions that persisted through all the things that I've been taught they'll persist through if it's really labor.

And then I ate breakfast on Wednesday and everything stopped. I had already tapped Eric to stay home so it was nice that he was with me, but it was so frustrating.

I had a bit of a mental breakdown Thursday at the thought of now having so much less time before my induction Monday morning and sent a panicked message to my midwife, who never actually saw it before I was able to talk to her in person on Friday.

Having the induction puts restrictions on me that I do NOT WANT. I have to be constantly monitored, I think they're going to want me to have IV fluids in addition to pitocin, which I do NOT WANT. I can handle the pitocin, I just want to be able to hydrate myself. I might be restricted to ice chips only, which is a fuckery beyond imagine because you need energy to deal with labor and if I can't even have clear fluids (which is a minor enough fuckery to me) that's just bullshit on all levels and I'm just being set up to fail.

I'm planning on bringing in food anyway. Because fuck those policies. Especially  now that the American Society of Anesthesiologists recommends a light meal in labor and not the fasting that was previously pushed.

"A light meal could include fruit, light soups, toast, light sandwiches (no large slices of meat), juice and water."
https://www.asahq.org/about-asa/newsroom/news-releases/2015/10/eating-a-light-meal-during-labor

The cherry on the fucking top is after having some awesome sex last night (I'm beyond caring about TMI at this point) I woke up early in very timeable, very painful contractions that were around 4 minutes apart, lasting for a minute. I started timing them to get to the hour mark and right at the hour mark they started spacing out. And then I was just exhausted from getting up early (and I had eaten at that point)  so I laid down and they fucking disappeared entirely.

I got a nice nap in though. But I was pissed off.

So I went across the street to the high school and walked a mile. Goddammit body, stop fucking with me and just get it done with already. 

I did snuggle with my pony.

And then I walked.

30 weeks down! 8-12 weeks to go!

Blah blah this is all tentative, but it serves to illustrate the things that are going to be important for me to have done or not done.

I've been slowly coming to terms with being required to have a hospital birth (versus the home birth that got waylaid by my blood clots) and it's been stressful trying to plan for every possible scenario that could result from being in a hospital setting.

So I'm writing this keeping in mind that these would be ideal, but I understand that they're not necessarily all going to be possible, especially since I need to have my high risk doctors on the same page and I don't know what things they're going to require or be okay with easing me on. I've also got back up plans! And sources, because despite everything I'm still expecting to meet resistance and it's been nice to not see that so much.

ALL SCENARIOS

• Please DO administer Vitamin K shot
• Please DO NOT administer Erythromycin antibiotic to eyes
• Delay cord clamping until cord pulses down
• http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD004074.pub3/epdf
• Please DO NOT bathe infant
• No formula
• Immediate skin to skin

IDEAL

• No AROM!!!!!   (artificial rupture of membrane)
• Limit cervical checks
• No pitocin, let us try natural methods first (nipple stimulation)
• Intermittent monitoring please unless medically indicated (please explain why)
• Do not offer pain medication, I prefer to move or use water for comfort (walking, squats, shower, tub, birthing ball) 
• I do not want to be on my back to push and would prefer squatting or hands and knees
•  (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22592681)
• A heplock is fine, but I will self hydrate with water
• Food if desired 
• (https://www.asahq.org/about-asa/newsroom/news-releases/2015/10/eating-a-light-meal-during-labor)
• NO EPISIOTOMY
• Do not bathe infant, give her to me in all her goopy glory

INDUCTION

• If contractions are consistent, do not increase pitocin (please explain why if you need to increase dosage)
• Do not offer pain relief, I will request if I need it
• NO AROM
• Limit cervical checks
• Please give me time to consider each new step that might need to be taken
• NO EPISIOTOMY

CESAREAN SECTION

• Disclaimer: I understand this may not be possible in the event of emergency on mine or my infant's part, I would appreciate anything that can be done in such a instance
• http://www.doulamysoul.com/#!The-Organic-Cesarean-A-protocol-for-a-gentler-surgical-birth/c1c55/5696f6b80cf2e94e3fb671e4
• Please take a vaginal swab for use in skin to skin to mimic vaginal birth bacterial seeding for gut flora
• http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3110651/
• http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16189184
• http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1896187/
• http://www.nature.com/nm/journal/vaop/ncurrent/full/nm.4039.html
• http://www.kplu.org/post/researchers-test-microbe-wipe-promote-babies-health-after-c-sections
• Lowered drape please, I REALLY want to watch
• Please describe what you are doing! If I can't see I'd like to hear!
• Please perform heart/lung checks during skin to skin if possible
• Immediate skin to skin, preferably with Mom, if not, with Dad. 

Mental Health

It's a little scary how necessary horses have become in my life. When I didn't have Gwyn immediately following our move to Michigan, things seemed hopeless and awful and I hated everything. As soon as Gwyn got here, I was so much better. Really, as soon as I had that weekend of camping at the endurance ride things got better.

Now, despite staying a part of horsey activities, like the Distance Derby meetup, I'm finding that I'm still falling apart and fraying at the edges. Last month I had crazy anxiety about the birth that I was able to simmer down and feel reassured after meeting with one of the midwives.

But yesterday, after meeting with the OB again, I had a breakdown before I was able to even leave the office. The poor nurses who found me, they kept asking if I was alright, if my appointment went well, if the baby was okay. And yes, everything was outwardly fine and I couldn't explain why I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Personally, I think it's a combination of a lot of things that are all piling together, one or two of them alone I could handle, but all of them is a recipe for disaster.

1. I do not trust medical doctors. This goes back several years to when I was considering starting the process for bariatric surgery. We had just moved to Washington and I went to establish care with a new primary physician. I laid out the difficulty I had with losing weight, the strategies I was trying and what my general diet was like.

I was told to stop drinking soda. I did not drink soda. It soured me, but not fully until I went to have a well woman check for a pap smear. I was intrigued by the concept that I could use a midwife for those check ups and made an appointment. The person I had looked into was on maternity leave, instead I met with her substitute, Elias, also a midwife. He looked at my history, saw that I had mentioned my science background and thought that was cool and proceeded to talk to me and send me science journal articles to support the advice he had given me. I talked to him about my same concerns, my heavy period, trouble losing weight, and he helped me come up with a game plan and strategies we could try, different foods to focus on once he had a hormone panel back that showed slight irregularities.

I followed his advice and suddenly I was successful with my weight loss, without adding in any more exercise. That experience was so positive, I drove out of my way to use him for my prenatal care when I became pregnant with Kaylee. He was worth it to me. Even later, seeing more doctors about similar weight issues and minor stuff, I kept feeling like I was being brushed off, or talked at. So I wouldn't really bother going in for stuff for me.

It's probably why I waited so long for my leg pain.

2. That damn leg pain. Somehow I think I still haven't fully processed the bilateral PEs and my DVT. I feel fine, just as healthy as before, only now I have medicine I take twice a day. It's either that or I resent how this has changed my life. Michigan was supposed to be awesome where I could just go out and ride and I can't do that.

3. Not riding. This is killing me more than I care to admit. With this most recent breakdown I talked with Eric and we're taking a position of "my mental health needs to take priority right now".

So screw the blood thinners. I'm going for a ride today. Bareback, in the arena, at no more than a walk, and probably no more than 20 minutes. But I need it. Just making the decision that I would do that today has perked me up considerably. Screw the doctors. I warned them this was going to be bad for me. I TOLD THEM when I met them.



That all being said, I'm fairly certain I was triggered at my appointment, in a very subtle way. At my previous midwife appointment we worked out a plan where I could ask to alternate care with OB and midwives in the practice, rather than doing only OB. I was told I would be 'allowed' to see the midwives if he, the OB, was in the office at the time of the appointment.

I asked about monitoring my blood glucose rather than taking the gestational diabetes test and he very begrudgingly told me maybe, if I tracked a couple days to show that I was doing okay on the glucose monitor (which I now need to dig up and make sure it works).  In pressing to assert the kind of care I want and received with Elias last time, I was chided because my 'condition' was very serious and DVTs and bilateral PEs are not something to take lightly.

Fuck dude. I UNDERSTAND THAT. I just feel like all control has been taken from me. I'm trying to snatch it back in bits and pieces. Work with me, explain why, come up with a plan with me, don't just tell me what to do because I'm going to dig my heels in if you do.

Anyway, I asked to talk to Joanne, the other midwife, who was thankfully in the office that day. I explained a lot of this to her. And she got it. She talked me through some things that I was worried about (induction, mainly) and I did feel better at the end.

I don't know that they realized how serious this is to me. And how much Eric and I have been strategizing labor. We're laboring as much as we can at home. If we go in and are sent back we're going to just go and walk around a nearby mall depending on the weather. We're semi-seriously joking about delivering at the mall because we'll probably wait too long. Eric gets me and he's going to be an excellent advocate for me, just like he was with Kaylee. I trust him wholly and completely.

So, now excuse me while I go throw my middle fingers to the sky and all my medical care team, screaming FUCK YOU while I ride my horse.

Because they'd all have an aneurism if they found out.

A day of adulting!

Spine and head, profile

Foot

Grandma (Eric's Mom) took Kaylee this morning, leaving Eric and I a blissfully childfree day. We started things off with a trip down to the hospital for the anatomy scan for Babydos! Things went well, though I do find I'm constantly comparing experiences between pregnancies. This ultrasound was much more business like and we really didn't get as many images as we did with Kaylee.

We had an excellent view of the heart beating and my placenta is nice and high, in a perfect position! So no previa for me!

Babydos was HIGHLY uncooperative. S/he had her legs crossed nearly the whole time AND had both hands up by his face, effectively blocking the awesome voldemort view. We did finally get an in between the legs shot for hopefully definitive sex announcement, which will happen Saturday, so no spoilers :P

Afterwards, we went to Buy Buy Baby and picked out the appropriate Little Sister/Little Brother onesie as well as some blank ones for our name announcement party this Saturday.

Then we headed out to one of the malls in the area and grabbed lunch at a Hibachi steakhouse, walked around the mall, and caught "The Martian" in theatres before it left. We were the only ones in the theatre, which was awesome. I had read the novel, Eric had not but had expressed significant interest. We thoroughly enjoyed our private showing and agreed it reminded us of when we lived in Florida.

We took back roads home because I was hoping to catch the local bakery before it closed but alas, it was not to be. I'll go first thing tomorrow.

Eric has been feeling a bit down about Michigan, but declared that he was feeling much better. I think we really needed this all day date. It was one of the things we were hoping to have by moving here, more child care from family and that just hasn't happened until now. It was sorely needed. We are in such good spirits for having 'us' time as a couple where we don't have to be Mom or Dad.

So now I have a party to get ready for! My mom will be flying in Thursday to do her consulting work for the textbook company in Lapeer, a nearby town. This gig was entirely random and she jumped at the chance to have someone else pay to fly her out to see me. She'll leave Sunday. It's not going to be a baby shower, I've expressly stated it's just for fun to decorate onesies and have cake and announce name and sex of Babydos. Just an excuse to have everyone get together.

But as for babydos? Kaylee is going to be thrilled!

NaNoWriMo

Technically I opted in to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, to write 50,000 words within the 30 day month of November.

To give you an idea of how well I'm doing with that goal, the dashboard on my profile page has a ticker that estimates your date of completion based on your progress thus far.

My estimated date of completion is May 18, 2018.

So yeah. That went well this year. Not.

It just wasn't in the cards for me. I am making a last ditch effort to help my team for a weekend word war on the nanoljers website because of a remarkably persistent team leader who has been really following up. I admire his/her determination. And I am ever loyal to Team Clio, so write I've been doing.

Plus, I needed to do that anyway since I've got a Kickstarter reward to redeem that involves an author doing a decent edit of my novel and I need to have something to send him that won't be embarrassing and will actually be productive.

Writing since we moved to Michigan has been nonexistent, which is a little frustrating, but honestly something I only just realized. I have NO inspiration, no drive, to write creatively. It's a depressing thought. I want to write, I just... can't. Either I can't find the time or I have no idea what I want to say or how to say it. Maybe I need to work it back in as an every day chore to do, like cleaning the barn and feeding the critters.

I do wish I had done more this November. But looking back I don't know when I would have done it.

Huh...

I was reading a post from another Mom asking for help with her daughter and everything the mother was describing was like a flashback to me as a child. The mom was concerned about her daughter's potential for success since it seemed like she hit every single marker for Inattentive type ADD.

So I look up the traits for both childhood and adult ADD.


Aaaaaaand I fit pretty much the entire description. It's a little scary how damn accurate it is for me. But it also explains quite a lot about how I handled high school (decent, with incredibly management on my parents' part), college (okaaaaaay) and graduate school (HAHAHAHAHA) It explains why I was so successful with my job at Bio-Rad (highly structured with time deadlines throughout the day and week) but failed miserably at the crime lab (highly unstructured with minimal to no deadlines even week to week). It

I'm not sure what to do with this. It does give me an avenue of support to reach out to if I want an official diagnosis to get some behavioral therapy and possibly medication, though I'd rather seek out therapy options first before medicating. I might push for medication if I go back into the workforce, to give me the best chance at success. Right now I think with some more support day to day I don't need anything more than social strategies for managing the home and farm.

I know my mom had mentioned in passing that she thought I might have ADD and never really pursued it, but I think it was before inattentive was classified. When I called her to tell her, she just went, "Yeah, your Dad and I thought so, but didn't want to say anything and let you come to that conclusion yourself".  Apparently, the amount they needed to manage me vs. my younger brother was dramatically different enough for them to go, "Huh, maybe Amy has something going on...."

Knowing is half the battle, right? And now I can devise coping strategies to help me keep my life together.

Information Accessibility

The seriousness of my health issues aside, I'm really loving how a lot of the health care systems are now using an online chart system to track patient care and as a patient, I have access to it. I feel empowered, reading my own test results. I loved looking back and reading the notes my midwife took throughout my labor with Kaylee and similarly, I like having the details, the down and dirty data. I think it's the scientist in me. I can accurately educate myself to a level of detail that a doctor might not delve into (even though I desire it, it's honestly my biggest gripe with standard medicine. This is why I loved my midwife in Washington, he would send me research articles and really get into the nitty gritty once he found out I had a science background. It made me feel like a valued and contributing member of my own healthcare, rather than a marginalized idiot)

Henry Ford Health Systems uses MyChart, which seems to be standard. I think I have a crazy number of accounts with them now from all of the different hospital systems I've been seen by (from back in Washington especially).  MyChart is why I chose to go to urgent care further from home when I had the cramp and it's why, when given the choice of ER, I chose to drive 40 minutes away. I had not heard good things about nearer hospitals and since my prenatal care was within Henry Ford, I found it prudent to have my whole health care team reading from the same page.

I checked  MyChart tonight and saw the results from Vascular Imaging (right above my negative Gonorrhea test, thankyouverymuch). My clot was found in the right peroneal vein, it was called a total occluding acute thrombosis. Very shallow google research informs me that this is a common spot to get a clot. Obesity and pregnancy are my only two risk factors. I'm around the same weight as my previous pregnancy (only 10 lb heavier, really) and didn't have an issue then. But I am thankful things were caught in time.

Interestingly, given my symptoms, I had low probability of my symptoms being a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). My only symptom was pain. I had no swelling or edema, recent long distance travel or immobility. Go figure. This low probability was why they chose to do the D-Dimer test first, rather than jump immediately to ultrasound.  (I found a professional grade Merck manual on the subject, it's been fascinating to read!)

Over the past week I had been breaking down over random things. But reading this very clinical report on what I've been diagnosed with and what the prognosis and expected risks and probabilities are, it's actually quite reassuring. Eric and I both agreed we wish we had this last week. It would have eased our minds significantly.

Now I can't wait for the results of my CT scan to be posted to my account so I can get more specifics on my PEs (pulmonary embolisms)

That damn cramp....

I mentioned, in the same paragraph no less, that I'd been having a cramp in my leg combined with out of breathness.

Well. It wasn't a muscle cramp, tear or strain, like I thought.

Eric finally had enough and made me go to urgent care on Sunday. I drove myself in, arriving an hour after they opened (11am) to find I was the only one there. Sweet! I got seen immediately and related my symptoms. The doctor on call asked about shortness of breath and I did say I'd been having trouble walking up stairs. I think her face paled and she told me that I was going to the ER for suspected blood clot. She asked which one I preferred. We're in this healthcare desert so I could travel to several, all about 25 miles away. I chose to stay with Henry Ford.

The clinic called ahead and gave me paperwork to expedite my ER admission. I drove myself and called Eric and my Mom to give them a heads up. I walked into the ER and again, was seen right away. Sunday morning was slow, apparently, or I was near top of the triage priority. I got brought back and the nurse practictioner explained what the plan was going to be.

The first thing was they were going to do the D-Dimer test with my blood. It's the least invasive test for blood clots(and probably cheapest) but you can test false positive if you're pregnant. If I was negative, that was awesome.

I was positive.

Next I was sent up for an ultrasound of my legs. They were looking for a blood clot, or deep vein thrombosis.

The tech found a blood clot. When I was wheeled back down to my space in triage, the nurse practitioner kind of laughed, and said, "You're staying with us tonight."  In other words, they were admitting me.

Blood clots are serious business. Pregnant women are at a higher risk for blood clots due to excess clotting factor in their blood. Several doctors (both General and OB) explained that there was a risk that the clot broke off and moved to my lungs (where it could cause a pulmonary embolism if untreated) but the treatment was the same. The ER was declining to perform a CT scan because they were just going to treat me anyway if a clot was found in my leg. If one hadn't been found in my leg, I was going to CT next.

I was given a shot of blood thinner and sent up to my room. My phone was getting low in battery so I called Eric and he arranged for his sister to bring me a charger and a book to read. He was busy keeping Kaylee occupied and we both thought that a hospital visit at night would make bedtime a gnarly mess.

I settled into my room and enjoyed a brief visit from family. Then I settled in for the evening. My only hospital experience previous was when I was helping my friend Cheryl with her labor. You get checked very regularly by nurses when in labor at the hospital and I guess that's labor specific because I was not checked or bothered regularly and was basically left to my own devices with instructions that they didn't want me wandering the halls since I was on blood thinners.

It did not take long for me to go stir crazy.  Thankfully the hospital had free wi-fi. I called Eric after Kaylee was asleep and we chatted. Then I was in for a restless night. I slept for 3.5 hours before tylenol wore off and my leg pain was back. I was debating calling the nurse when an alarm started going off in the hospital. I figured she had to be awake anyway, so I called and asked for more tylenol. Apparently there was a fire drill. At 3:30 am. By 4:30a the tylenol was working its magic so I  started trying to get back to sleep. At 5:30 a resident came in to talk to me.  I was ready to kill her. I rolled over but at 6 a patient transporter came to get me. I was heading down for an echocardiogram to make sure my heart looked good.

I zoned out for part of the  morning and people were in and out. The big thing was the doctors changed their minds. They still wanted me to have a CT scan to check for clots in my lungs, even though the treatment wouldn't change.

I went for my CT scan around 1pm. It didn't take long and the contrast dye made me feel like I was peeing my pants for a brief moment and then I had a moment where it felt like I was struggling to breathe but it passed.

My midwife came by to talk to me and that felt really nice that she took time in her day to do that. She splits her time between being at this hospital (why I chose it, so all my care was under the same account) and being at a location closer to me. I really like her and I'm hoping I can still be somewhat under her care for this pregnancy.

I called the home birth midwife and canceled my appointment for today (tuesday). I've effectively risked out of home birth, which REALLY sucks but there's nothing I can do about it.

The obgyn came back with my CT results. I had multiple clots in both of my lungs. It was likely the source of my out of breathness. After she left I had a minor breakdown and just cried. Thinking about how close I came to potentially dying  is nervewracking. My midwife came back to talk about that too, gently and jokingly scolding me for going all out with the risk factor, hah. She also got me in for an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists. All of my appointments now are going to be at the hospital. No choice in the matter, but I may be able to alternate and keep seeing my midwife.

It's weird. The pregnancy is high risk, but me laboring is not, because I'll be pulled off of the blood thinners for that. I just don't know if the OBs are going to be super controlling about timing or if they'll let me go into spontaneous labor (my desire). I absolutely cannot be on blood thinners if I need a C-section, but the plan is that I stay on my current medicine until 35 weeks, then switch to heparin, which can be easily and quickly reversed when the time comes for labor.

Eric came down to the hospital and brought Kaylee. It was so nice to have them with me and Kaylee definitely missed me. She was very cuddly but also fascinated by my IV and the bits of blood that had leaked a little. You could see the little gears turning when the internal medicine doctor came in to talk to me and listened to my lungs with his stethoscope. She plays with her play stethoscope at home and does similar things.

All of the doctors were basically agreeing that I was clear to be discharged at that point. But we also had to talk to the patient advocate at the hospital about my medicine cost. Even though Eric has a great job, and an arguably good insurance policy, my medicine will cost us $3000 for this first month's supply and $2000 for next month (when we meet our deductible) and after that will just be a copay. Until January, when it starts all over again. Of course, some of this might change as we pay for the hospital stay.  The hospital pharmacy only had 10 doses on hand. For me, that's 5 days worth. It was $895.

If I was on medicaid, it would be free.  Thanks insurance companies, screwing over the middle class. Never have I wished more for single payer insurance. We can pay it. We're not going to be broke because of it. But it certainly affects how we had budgeted. I can't imagine how I would be able to get my medicine if Eric made a little bit less.

After getting a flu shot, I was officially discharged at 6 pm. I am forbidden from risky activities where I could fall and experience an internal bleed.

So no more riding for this pregnancy. I am going to go crazy. I did decide that I'm going to ground drive Gwyn, and maybe get her working on the farm and doing the arena dragging and pasture dragging. That would be something we could do together. I have also offered her for lease, so she continues to be ridden, per the suggestion of Jim, my old dressage trainer.

I don't think Eric has fully process this. We were going to have a heart to heart after Kaylee went to bed last night, but I laid down and just passed out, I was so tired. He doesn't have anyone to talk to about this stuff except me, so when something happens to me, he's stuck. I have my online group of moms and this place to get my verbal vomit down and deal with shit. He doesn't have that outlet.

All in all, it was a crazy Sunday/Monday. I'm home and that feels so good. My health issues were found before something more serious than a leg cramp cropped up, and I'm keeping myself healthy for Babydos.

I'm so frustrated

This is conceiving stuff, so pass it on by if you don't want to listen to me feel sorry for myself. 

Retreat Weekend

Once I had found out that I was moving to Michigan I immediately began to seek out groups similar to what I had been involved in previously. I found that not too long after we were planning the move there was going to be a CTR (competitive trail ride) held only 90 minutes from the house. I immediately contacted the ride organizer and offered to volunteer. I knew I wouldn't have Gwyn by then but at least I could start meeting people.

I kept in contact with her, verifying that I was camping, dates, that I was available and made my camp reservation and waited.  Friday, departure finally came. I packed up the car and played with Kaylee until Eric came home and then it was off on the road!  Due to an accident, it took me over 2 hours to get to Brighton Recreation Area, where the ride was being held. I was rerouted by google to avoid the accident but ended up in stupid traffic anyway when the GPS was not clear where I was supposed to go.

I found ride camp easily, they had nice signs out and met the organizer who was surprised I showed up. Apparently people flake a lot and she didn't want to count on an admitted out of stater who was 'moving' and new. But pleasantly surprised and excited to have a fresh face. She explained CTR/UMECRA, which is different from AERC and I set off to go set up my camp!

I was camping in the horse loop and there were big rigs everywhere and horses hi-lined on large posts meant for that exact purpose. Campsites were large and they all had a picnic table and decent size fire pit. I would not return to my exact campsite if I was still tent camping though, because it was COVERED in acorns. Thank goodness I had the air mattress. I was near the pit toilet but didn't have any direct neighbors since a few people canceled.

I managed to get a fire going and heat up some water to make dinner and then settled down in my camp chair to read for a bit before retreating into the tent since it was getting cold. I had an air mattress that I inflated with a car charger air pump inexpertly since the pump didn't make an airtight seal on the mattress opening. It wasn't as firm as it could have been but when I laid on it I wasn't touching the ground so I called it good. I also had my down filled mummy sleeping bag that's rated down to 20degF AND on a whim I brought the wool cooler I had purchased over FB and had mailed to Michigan.   The wool cooler saved me.

I used the cooler to line the air mattress and then pull around on top of me. I feel super claustrophobic in the mummy sleeping bag when I'm all the way in and zipped up tight so I usually keep my arms out, which get cold. So I layered a ton and snugged with the wool cooler. I perfected the method on night 2 and actually slept through the night.

In the morning on Saturday the sun was shining and it was already promising to be a warm day for April in Michigan. I walked down to the staging area and the 35 mile riders had already left. I was shown what to do for verifying the riders were out on the trail and given the task of being official time keeper. I kept track of the time that riders came in and wrote on their scorecards their vet check time and time out if they were doing another loop. I occasionally announced time to riders in their 40 min holds so they knew when they were nearly done. It was hectic and I was busy most of the day and outside in the sun. It was near 80!

The ride was successful with no injuries or pulls. There was a potluck and awards ceremony and I contributed a bag of previously frozen cooked shrimp that I had intended for dinner that night anyway, neglecting to realize that they were going to feed me for being a volunteer. I didn't need to bring the food I did. Next time I'd just bring yoghurt for breakfast and some healthy snack stuff since their breakfast was donuts. Delicious, but unnecessary.

Saturday night I made myself a bonfire with the rest of the firewood and sat and read my book by firelight. It was SO relaxing. Then I continued to read in the tent when the fire wasn't bright enough to read by and finished my book. It's a library book and it's already over due, I just haven't had time to myself enough to get through it like I usually do.

I slept much better that night.

Sunday (today) I woke up a half hour before my alarm and decided to just get up and start breaking camp so I'd be ready to go for the first wave of riders. I didn't want to be late again. I packed up quickly and drove down. There was a smaller group riding today, only 12 riders compared to 37 the day before. They were sent off in 2 waves of six and we proceeded to just sit around and chat. I got some crocheting done and finished the crochet part of my test fly bonnet!

Before I added the trim colors (creme and another purple)

I tested the fit on a warmblood at the ride and determined where I'll need to increase the size to fit Gwyn. The one I made is more suited for an Arab I think, or at least a non-draft head. It just needs ear fabric now! I'm thinking of using athletic mesh fabric to try and reduce sweating and provide a breeze for the horse's ears. 

 The weather was much chillier today, better for riding horses with a bit of winter hair still, but not so great for sitting around. It warmed up a little bit and the sun tried to peek out but soon it just became overcast. Drops of rain started up the minute the last horse passed the final vetting trot out. In the nick of time!

I met some amazing people at this ride. I want to return and do more CTRs so I can hang out with them again! I fit right in, and for introvert ol' me, I was actually energized by being around them all day. We had no shortage of conversation and they were excited that I was going to be active with them. I was welcomed with open arms and it felt wonderful. I promised to return next year and volunteer but ALSO ride ;)

I returned a very happy lady. Even Eric noticed and I think he's grateful to have 'normal' me back again. So much different from two weeks ago, let me tell you. My mood is uplifted and I feel like dancing. I feel energized. I feel like I have friends again.

Progress!!

Today is looking like SUCH a good day!

We got an offer on our WA house! It's lower than we'd prefer by 15k so we're countering and hopefully will hear back. But honestly, if we settle somewhere in the middle I'll be happy.


I also had an ultrasound done to see if there are any physical issues causing

Feeling Better

Thanks for all your kind comments. I definitely made use of my support network, even if they aren't physically near me, and I think even venting out loud about the whole thing was a big help. I got outside of the house, took Kaylee to a park, and today we went over a Mom friend's house (she's on work from home doctor's orders from some issues in her pregnancy) where Kaylee got to play with a ton of toys and generally had a blast, and I got adult socializing. Yay!

I've also got an appointment scheduled for Monday to see an OB to talk about fertility stuff. I'm giving myself a pass this month and I'm not even looking at periods and ovulation because it's just too much to handle. I've mentally let go of worrying about when our house sells. It will sell when it sells.

Eric did redo the numbers on our finances now that we know what GM will cover in terms of realtor fees for selling the house. They are actually covering MORE than what we originally budgeted for (provided we aren't counting our chickens, etc) which means that, provided our house sells for its new list price of 325k, we'll have a max budget of 375k.

It's a whole new wooooooooorld!


I also found some fun jobs to apply for!

Emotional Stability

When Eric and I discussed moving to Michigan one of our concerns was the lag period, the time we're in now, where we're not in our own space, the horse hasn't arrived and the social circle is not yet replaced. Several years ago now, I had a bad period where, looking back, I was depressed. We were both worried that I might regress with this move. Today was a day where I can admit, out loud, that yes, I see myself getting more and more depressed. There is so much that is out of my control right now and I'm struggling day to day.

 This week is especially hard because Kaylee is on spring break from her Montessori school so I don't have any opportunities for mental breaks through the day. I didn't want to leave the house yesterday and it was more harmful than beneficial. A toddler should not be contained.

 Between selling the house and house hunting, I'm stressed. We just signed paperwork to lower the asking price on the WA house and that's not a happy thing to do, but if we want it sold we need to attract buyers and get more views of the house.

 My MIL is starting to exert more control over her house, despite not living in it. We have been asked to keep the heat low, get a storage pod and move all extra boxes into the garage. Eric suspects that she is going to want to show the house to potential buyers, so if the house is sold, we'll be out of a place to stay. While that's not a huge risk at the moment, it's nonetheless a potential scenario that we need to discuss and plan for.

 I've yet to find new friends who are free during the week. Algonac has shit for things to do, so I have to travel further and look farther afield to find activities for Kaylee. One mom's group rejected me for not attending any of their events when I'd only put in for a trial for a week (their rules stated there was a 30 day window). I do have two online friends in the area, for which I am extremely grateful. I've met both of them in person now, one at the zoo and the other for the maple syrup festival.

 Kaylee has had some issues falling asleep so Eric and I tag team sitting with her until she's asleep so that's cutting into our adult time to just talk, forget about sex.

 We saw the top of the list house on Saturday and I'm in love. I really want to be able to make an offer, more than anything right now. I want our own space.

 I have been working out pretty regularly, which is good! But I'm not seeing a change at the scale, and that's not helping my mood at all.

And we've been trying to conceive for a year now, officially, with no success.  


So, things I've done to proactively work on my mood:

Today I took Kaylee to an indoor play area and rather than going home after we were done, we went to the nearby metropark with the kickass playground AND took a 3/4 mile walk. Then minor retail therapy at Play it Again Sports where I found toddler size soccer cleats. ADORABLE. Kaylee starts soccer at the end of the month and I'm excited!

Being outside today definitely helped me feel better. I need to promise myself to get outside every day.

Tomorrow we're going to a different metropark that has a farm and a 'meet the babies' every morning. That's more for me than Kaylee, but she'll enjoy it and it will get us out of the house.  Thursday we're meeting Elyse (online Mom friend) at her house for coffee. Her daughter will be at school, but Kaylee will be able to run wild in the house and play with toys.

Sunday Grandma is taking Kaylee for the whole day. Eric and I plan to have a nice long Skype DnD session with WA friends. Grandma does not know this is why we wanted child sitting.

I am going to try and get a massage next week while Kaylee is in school. And maybe start moving some of my horse stuff in to the new barn.

I also have my solo camping trip to volunteer for an endurance ride coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am excited about that, except I can't find my hiking boots. Grr.

Most everything else is out of my control, so I'm going to focus on things that I can do for myself. I'm also going to make an appointment to see an OB and talk about fertility.



I was supposed to fly back in May to assist with a horse show at Hollywood Hill Saddle Club. It was going to be the Hunter Jumper's first judged show. We'd previously done only fun shows where you pay for a round in the ring to practice with a jump course. (Notice I still say we... can't help myself)  That show got moved to July because the ride organizer, my friend Jan, broke her leg. I had already purchased my flight before I even moved to Michigan and she didn't let me know early enough to avoid the fee for changing/cancelling my flight. I had thought that I might not be able to make the new date but Eric cleared that up today, so I'll be able to return to WA in July for a day or so to help with the show anyway! That helped cheer me up today.