A friend of mine pasted a facebook status about saying goodbye to a home for the first time in his life, one that he started raising a family in. I started crying, just reading it and imagining driving away from our house for the last time.
I love our house. It's far from perfect but it was the first place we could make our own and really match it to our personalities. And for crying out loud, the street name is Rainbow Place. Isn't that just the epitome of awesome?! In the land of numbered street names, it's pretty rad, let me tell you.
We were able to start to really see our vision for being a sustainable, renewable family come to fruition. The flooring we installed was eco friendly bamboo and cork and remnant tile. We were looking into getting a rain barrel. We used a push mower, then an electric, no gas. We built raised garden beds to grow fruit and vegetables to eat.
We installed FUCKING SOLAR PANELS.
Now, nothing prevents us from doing this again. But I feel invested in this house. I feel like we're leaving it too early. And the one thing I finally admitted to myself as I cried into my pillow was this:
I don't want to go.
Everything logical about the move makes it the right thing but my heart is just aching. Maybe it would be easier if Eric wasn't gone already, 2000 miles away loving his new job. Maybe if I wasn't faced with the prospect of being without my horse for 2-3 months. Maybe it's the stress of being a single parent for longer than a day or two. I don't know.
I was hoping for a pick me up tonight. The barn was holding a farewell party for me. Dani couldn't make it, her work ran late and then she had other things that I knew she was going to have to get to. There's a big horse show that a group went to. One person is in Michigan for a wedding. Everyone had other things to do.
It hurts. And I hope it didn't show. I made shredded beef with some of the grass feed 1/4 cow I bought last year with a friend. It was amazing. I brought dinner rolls. One person brought banana cream pie. Two others brought cookies. 8 people showed. 4 of them were kids, one of the four was my own.
I kind of suspected, because it was potluck and the sign up board for what people were bringing was pretty damn sparse. But I made a damn good shredded beef in the crockpot. My house smelled fucking AMAZING all day. And everyone who had it loved it. And it was just enough to feed the people who were there, so in the end that was good.
I'm going to the tack sale tomorrow to try and find some things to outfit my eventual barn with. I've got some significant cash but I doubt I'll spend it all. I might try and snag a buddy saddle if the price is reasonable. Maybe a pony saddle :D I also consigned some of my stuff. I hope it sells.
I'm thinking saddle racks and bridle racks, a whip holder, mounting block. Who knows. Pitchfork would be awesome. We'll see. But NOT BRIDLES FOR GWYN. Or halters. I have plenty. Self, DO NOT BUY THOSE THINGS. A lunge whip, though, that would be okay. Somehow I lose them to barn gremlins. Maybe tiny riding pants for Kaylee :D Ooo!
Then sunday Kaylee goes to daycare. And I go for a one last hurrah trail ride with Cortney and Blaine. This will hopefully be the redemption for tonight's downer. I really hope.
And maybe locking the door and leaving the keys will be okay. Because I need to embrace the new adventure that awaits and realizing a childhood dream of waking up and seeing my horse out my window. That would ease my heartache.
