Catch Up Thankfullness Day3 through 6

Day 3 - What are three things that make you happy in your life right now?

Thing versus people is hard to distinguish, but since I can do people with day 4, I'll stick to things. It's just weird to be this materialistic.  Though I suppose things could be generic and less about things I hold in my hand but rather things like a job. Anyway..

Gwyn is absolutely a thing that makes me happy in my life right now. She greets me every day, she pays attention when I come and go from home, she's always willing to offer a snuggle and a hug.

Even though I gripe and there's been drama, I am very happy to have my job. I love being a scientist. Love love love it. It brings me joy to puzzle things out where I can within the scope of my responsibilities. And even though the fact that I am taking on more roles is due to issues with coworkers, I am gleeful that it's experience I can use to leverage a better job.

Music. Music makes me happy in life. I've got a lot of music that is just what I need right now.


Day 4 - List 5 people you are grateful to have in your life right now. How can you show your appreciation to them?

1st Person: Eric, absolutely and hopefully forever. Sometimes I'm truly amazed at how long we've been together and how well we've built our lives together. There are things I know that I should work on personally that would be the best way to show how much I appreciate him. I know that the foundation of great relationships is good communication and when he helps me out, especially in things that let me go off and do things I enjoyed before kids, I always thank him. Always. And I try to encourage him to find similar things that he can do. He deserves it.

2nd Person:  Kaylee. She's my shining light of hope and curiousity. She has so many questions about the world and she wants to know everything. She is full of joy and energy and soaks in whatever knowledge Eric and I can impart to her. For her, my appreciation is shown by one on one time with her, reading books, just talking about the world. Play is central to how she learns so play I will.

3rd Person: Hazel. She is a spitfire. Her language mastery grows by leaps and bounds and she fit right into our little family like a puzzle piece I didn't know was missing. She loves animals, all animals but Gwyn especially. For her my appreciation is to continue to be the best mother I can be. To offer snuggles, to read to her, to take her out to the barn each day to do chores and let her dump all the grain together because even though she might spill a bit, she's learning and growing and I'm teaching her independence.

4th Person:  I'm gonna cheat here and say my online mom community that spun off of a reddit forum I was on for my first pregnancy. We all have kids around the same age and we really bonded with one another. We created a private facebook group and have been in each other's lives now for over 6 years. I can't imagine being a parent without them. We even have a little symbol, a paper airplane, to represent it all. I show my appreciation for them in little ways. Around the holidays we do a random act of christmas. Members who are struggling submit their needs and those of us who are more fortunate 'adopt' them and send gifts for Christmas. I'm planning to pick a member this year.

5th Person: The endurance community here in Michigan. They have been super welcoming to me and so very very friendly. I can show my appreciation for them by finally becoming a paying member next year, LOL.  But really, I also volunteer, because their events wouldn't run if they didn't have volunteers.

Day 5 - What was/ is the happiest time of your life (so far)? What made you so happy during that time?

There are four moments:
When I married Eric.
When Gwyn came off of the transport truck for the first time (and the second time too because boy did I miss her)
The first time I saw Kaylee and held her in my arms after her birth.
The first time I saw Hazel and held her in my arms.

For Kaylee and Hazel I thoroughly lay blame on oxytocin for that rush of love I felt. It was very very very overwhelming. I loved them instantly. I know it doesn't always happen that way, but it did for me.

I was really happy seeing Gwyn because it was a childhood dream come true. I was getting my first horse that mine, all mine, not borrowed or anything, and it was a horse I knew and had wanted. The second time she came off the truck was in Michigan and it was so happy then because I'd been separated by a whole country while I tried to organize shipping and finding a place to board after our move. I was sliding down toward depression without her and having her back where I could touch and just breathe in her smell was rejuvenating. Even Eric noticed an immediate change in my mental health and mood.

And of course, marriage. Eric is my best friend. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet and celebrating our marriage was so much fun and perfectly us. Nothing went wrong that day. Nothing.



Day 6 - Think of a difficult time in your life, and write the things that brought you happiness during that difficult time.

Well, our move to Michigan was rough. We made the decision to come for a lot of logical factors but completely forgot to discount the emotional. I was stuck in my mother in law's house with Kaylee, trying to keep her from breaking everything. It was March and winter dreary and we were on a very busy main road in front with a river in the backyard. We were in a part of the state that has nearly NOTHING to do for stay at home moms. And I didn't have Gwyn.

I started small. I got Kaylee enrolled in a montessori preschool and that freed up time for me to go look at boarding barns.  I started to coordinate transport of Gwyn from Washington to Michigan. I started working out while Kaylee was in school. Or I'd go to the marsh and go for walks. I tried to find the beauty in Michigan. This took significant effort on my part.

I decided to volunteer for an endurance ride in April. I dug the camping equipment out from all of our packed belongings that the movers brought and went off for a weekend alone, in mid April, with a bunch of other horse people. It was the perfect retreat. I was off in the woods, freezing my ass off at night in a tent, but having a brilliant time.

I returned home feeling so much better. Plus I had finally gotten a date from the shippers for getting Gwyn. The end was finally in sight. I made a lot of new friends that weekend that have lasted me through to even now.




Source

November Thankfulness

So here's the plan: I've got two sets of daily journaling prompts, one about thankfulness, one about horses. They'll be separate posts (and the horse one will be posted to my Gwyn Blog)

So let's jump in, happy NaNoWriMo to those who are participating!

Thankfulness

1: What do you want to do this month? Write your goals for the month, and think about what you need to do to accomplish them.

So my first goal is to do these journaling prompts every day in November. It will be self reflective time.
Second goal is riding once a week minimum. I'll be having a riding lesson next week so I'll have things to work on! This will be the hardest because it's now dark and cold when I have riding time (excepting weekends)
Exercise 4 days a week.
Go to a wildlife rehabbing seminar.
Make my Orange quarter sheet for safe riding during hunting season
Draft up a pattern to make a riding skirt for warm riding

It's a lot! It's ambitious.  To do this I'm going to need to rely on Eric a lot for support watching the girls. I should be able to ride on weekends, and maybe work on the sewing projects after the kids are in bed, which is also when the exercise will be happening.

I'll likely do the journaling either right before bed or during slow moments at work.

Something New for 2017

This is a kind of horsey post, I'll likely xpost it to my horse blog too. 

Since moving to Michigan I've gotten pretty involved in the Great Distance Derby, which has connected me with some local, likeminded horse people. I've gone to Flint to donate water with them on two occassions and gone on some trail rides. I even 'walked' a trail ride with Gwyn in hand just to get out and socialize while I was pregnant since I wasn't allowed to ride. 

The person who organizes GDD has also started organizing a Michigan and Midwest Mounted Archery organization, and is bringing clinics to the area. I wasn't able to do anything last year, but I have done some mounted archery with the SCA back when I lived in Florida. I was a fan of it then and I see no reason why I could do it now.  At this point I'm trying to dial back my expectations of what competitions we can do without really sinking time and money into some training for Gwyn and myself and being realistic about what is within our reach and what is possible in the future.  

Anyway, that's musings for a whole post on its own. Suffice it to say, mounted archery is a pretty darn reasonable hobby and the clinics are reasonably local and kind of budget friendly with the added bonus of including camping! Yay! I love camping!

So for christmas, Eric got me a very basic, junior archery set.  Two arrows, a cheap bow and finger and arm guards that are not meant for my fingers or arms. 

A nice January day! 

For winter training, my friend Heather organized a group of us to meet up and do an activity called Archery Tag at a local indoor sports complex. 

You get totally cool face shields that fog up the moment you start sweating.

And play on an indoor field with fake grass and 'obstacles' 

It's basically like dodgeball but with a bow and arrow.

AND SO MUCH FUCKING FUN OMG

The arrows are blunted foam and while you can feel them make contact, you aren't hurt, mainly because each team is kept separate from one another. You don't cross into the other team's territory and the  neutral middle is where you aren't allowed to shoot from or be shot. 

You can see me in the top part of the picture aiming at Heather, lol.

I've just let loose an arrow!

The game starts with all the arrows in the middle, Hunger Games style like the Cornucopia. 

The referee counts down and then it's a mad dash to the middle to grab arrows and then back to be out of range (or at least at an easily dodgeable distance)  or hop behind an obstacle to snipe the other team.  

You get someone out by hitting them with an arrow. But, if you grab an arrow, the person who shot that arrow is out and someone on your own team can rejoin the game.

I like hiding behind things, but the constant crouching and standing up to shoot and dropping back down. Let's just say I did a LOT of squats. My legs burned FOR DAYS. 

You can also see the white target with black spots. The game was won if you either took out all the opposing team by hitting them or if you knocked out all five of those foam circles. Our team won boths ways!  

Team "Don't Shoot Me!"  which is retrospect was in poor taste....

The plan is to do this monthly in the cruddy winter months (Feb and March) before clinics start up and riding can begin in earnest again.  Until then, I'll be using my baby bow to desensitize Gwyn because I'm planning to do a clinic in June!  I'm so excited!

Picture Dump and Life Update

Not much to report. Life goes on. Kaylee has finished preschool and we're solidly in summer vacation for her. I've packed her schedule, such as it is, just so she isn't always stuck at home and has some opportunities for socialization with other kids.

Hazel is Hazel, portable, getting chubby and having some lovely brain development every day. We're finally into smiles and I think she tries to laugh. I've tried getting it on video but she stops when the phone comes out, CURSES!

I've always heard that second kids get the shaft when it comes to pictures, so I've made an effort to not let that happen. It really helps when you have a cell phone that takes your pictures and then auto backs them up onto the cloud that your journaling is directly connected to.  Makes everything so much easier, especially since I haven't tried troubleshooting my desktop yet and thus haven't pulled the photos off either of my digital cameras.

Kaylee looks like a model in this picture, and so long!

Waiting for the farrier and nursing. New favorite spot!

Dinner time!

In going through the garage and cleaning and reorganizing I came across these toys of mine. I got them while we were on our honeymoon. The unicorns (black is missing its horn) are good v evil unicorns.  The playmobil is obviously a standardbred pacer. Kaylee has taken them for herself to play with.

We installed our rain barrels and the water that collects gets warm because the barrels are black. Kaylee had fun playing in that water.

Baby apples!

We took an alternate route home from our friend's house and discovered a HUGE oak tree. It is one of the few trees that remain from before Michigan was nearly totally deforested by logging and a massive fire.

We went to the park yesterday. Kaylee's friend Arya showed up. They played in the lake despite the cool temperatures.

Happy 8th Anniversary!

We did not get each other traditional gifts. I'm likely getting a lilac bush at some point and I bought REALLY nice steaks for dinner for us since there's no way we're going out to a nice dinner as has been tradition.  Usually this tradition also involves us discussing the State of the Marriage and future possibilities. We've agreed to rain check the discussion, especially now that we're near a Melting Pot again (the majority of our State of the Marriage Addresses have taken place at Melting Pot)

But on this day, 8 years ago, we were married* in front of our friends and family on the water in Connecticut. It was a perfect day.

All our guests and wedding party

Branford House at UCONN Avery Point. That's my brother playing the trumpet.

Our Reveal. 

My flowers were the bomb-diggity. I was not a hands on bride. I told the florist our colors and general theme and said "I'd like it to be like I went out into a field of wildflowers and collected a ton. I trust you. Surprise me." They were perfect. I don't think I could have described this exact thing and gotten it.

That attitude was how I approached wedding planning in general.

Notice the feet? I ditched the shoes VERY early on. Like before the ceremony.

So a general State of the Marriage

In 8 years we have:

Lived in 3 states (Florida, Washington and Michigan)

Had 2 kids!
Bought a horse

Bought 2 houses

Sold 1 house

Acquired 2 donkeys (and given away 1)

Had a fucking blast!

Here's to many more!

*Technically our legal marriage date is sometime around January.... shhh, neither of us remember the exact date, lol

More catch up posting

I'm getting a lot done, not sitting at a computer, but I still feel bad that I'm not writing and tracking. I like keeping a record of things I find noteworthy to share.

Mental Health

It's a little scary how necessary horses have become in my life. When I didn't have Gwyn immediately following our move to Michigan, things seemed hopeless and awful and I hated everything. As soon as Gwyn got here, I was so much better. Really, as soon as I had that weekend of camping at the endurance ride things got better.

Now, despite staying a part of horsey activities, like the Distance Derby meetup, I'm finding that I'm still falling apart and fraying at the edges. Last month I had crazy anxiety about the birth that I was able to simmer down and feel reassured after meeting with one of the midwives.

But yesterday, after meeting with the OB again, I had a breakdown before I was able to even leave the office. The poor nurses who found me, they kept asking if I was alright, if my appointment went well, if the baby was okay. And yes, everything was outwardly fine and I couldn't explain why I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Personally, I think it's a combination of a lot of things that are all piling together, one or two of them alone I could handle, but all of them is a recipe for disaster.

1. I do not trust medical doctors. This goes back several years to when I was considering starting the process for bariatric surgery. We had just moved to Washington and I went to establish care with a new primary physician. I laid out the difficulty I had with losing weight, the strategies I was trying and what my general diet was like.

I was told to stop drinking soda. I did not drink soda. It soured me, but not fully until I went to have a well woman check for a pap smear. I was intrigued by the concept that I could use a midwife for those check ups and made an appointment. The person I had looked into was on maternity leave, instead I met with her substitute, Elias, also a midwife. He looked at my history, saw that I had mentioned my science background and thought that was cool and proceeded to talk to me and send me science journal articles to support the advice he had given me. I talked to him about my same concerns, my heavy period, trouble losing weight, and he helped me come up with a game plan and strategies we could try, different foods to focus on once he had a hormone panel back that showed slight irregularities.

I followed his advice and suddenly I was successful with my weight loss, without adding in any more exercise. That experience was so positive, I drove out of my way to use him for my prenatal care when I became pregnant with Kaylee. He was worth it to me. Even later, seeing more doctors about similar weight issues and minor stuff, I kept feeling like I was being brushed off, or talked at. So I wouldn't really bother going in for stuff for me.

It's probably why I waited so long for my leg pain.

2. That damn leg pain. Somehow I think I still haven't fully processed the bilateral PEs and my DVT. I feel fine, just as healthy as before, only now I have medicine I take twice a day. It's either that or I resent how this has changed my life. Michigan was supposed to be awesome where I could just go out and ride and I can't do that.

3. Not riding. This is killing me more than I care to admit. With this most recent breakdown I talked with Eric and we're taking a position of "my mental health needs to take priority right now".

So screw the blood thinners. I'm going for a ride today. Bareback, in the arena, at no more than a walk, and probably no more than 20 minutes. But I need it. Just making the decision that I would do that today has perked me up considerably. Screw the doctors. I warned them this was going to be bad for me. I TOLD THEM when I met them.



That all being said, I'm fairly certain I was triggered at my appointment, in a very subtle way. At my previous midwife appointment we worked out a plan where I could ask to alternate care with OB and midwives in the practice, rather than doing only OB. I was told I would be 'allowed' to see the midwives if he, the OB, was in the office at the time of the appointment.

I asked about monitoring my blood glucose rather than taking the gestational diabetes test and he very begrudgingly told me maybe, if I tracked a couple days to show that I was doing okay on the glucose monitor (which I now need to dig up and make sure it works).  In pressing to assert the kind of care I want and received with Elias last time, I was chided because my 'condition' was very serious and DVTs and bilateral PEs are not something to take lightly.

Fuck dude. I UNDERSTAND THAT. I just feel like all control has been taken from me. I'm trying to snatch it back in bits and pieces. Work with me, explain why, come up with a plan with me, don't just tell me what to do because I'm going to dig my heels in if you do.

Anyway, I asked to talk to Joanne, the other midwife, who was thankfully in the office that day. I explained a lot of this to her. And she got it. She talked me through some things that I was worried about (induction, mainly) and I did feel better at the end.

I don't know that they realized how serious this is to me. And how much Eric and I have been strategizing labor. We're laboring as much as we can at home. If we go in and are sent back we're going to just go and walk around a nearby mall depending on the weather. We're semi-seriously joking about delivering at the mall because we'll probably wait too long. Eric gets me and he's going to be an excellent advocate for me, just like he was with Kaylee. I trust him wholly and completely.

So, now excuse me while I go throw my middle fingers to the sky and all my medical care team, screaming FUCK YOU while I ride my horse.

Because they'd all have an aneurism if they found out.

Catch up in pictures

I was a bridesmaid in my sister in law's wedding at the end of October. Observe my ridiculous bulbous bouffant and make up.  (macademia... gazebo!)

Kaylee was the most adorable flower girl ever.

I got a serger and my first project was making underwear for Kaylee

Since I reopened my right ear I decided to buy earrings to keep them open. Awesome funky purple earrings.

I voted in our local primary!

Kaylee demonstrated how good of a helper she is with feeding the critters.

She got her first ear infection. 

We had unseasonably warm November days to play outside.

I went for a hike at the local nature center and enjoyed myself immensely.

I worked on my adult coloring

On chilly weekend mornings I enjoyed a hot cup of coffee and watching my critters.

We totally jumped the gun and reassembled the crib for Babydos. Note the future nursery mess.

We cleaned and slightly rearranged Kaylee's room.

I started sanding a changing table for the nursery that I found on a facebook swap page.

More adult coloring from my mandala book.

Kaylee wanted me to draw our family.

The cats steal my snoogle. Also proof that they get along for when they don't.

Eric entombed Kaylee in wood blocks, much to her delight.

I've been making leotards for Kaylee.

Gwyn oversees Eric's work on some organizational modifications we're making to the barn.

Like a spot to store plastic t-posts that I don't need in the winter.

And new shelving to keep the feed room part of my tack room better organized.

I took Gwyn for a walk and just about died from the effort of hiking through sand. Gwyn enjoyed getting out with other horses for our trail 'ride' with friends.

I got a huge blister for my efforts. I suspect hiking boots that no longer fit.

I got awesome fabric to make more clothes that are all about girl empowerment in STEM fields.  This panel shown says "Experiment Like a Girl" and has a picture of Marie Curie. It will be for me. I have smaller ones for Kaylee as well as coordinating fabric.

The deer are cleaning up our windfall apples.

Kaylee fits in her locker at school.

She also insists on brushing her own hair after swimming in the 'inside pool'

We got our first snow storm of the season. Almost a foot of snow eventually fell!

Eric cleans my truck off for me.

Kaylee gives the baby hugs.

I enjoyed a cup of jesus hate (peppermint mocha, actually)

Selfies with Gwyn today

Kaylee wears her "Yeti Crab Sweater" 

Selfie with Saffron

Nommy lunch

More selfies with my fuzzy beast

New, WARM boots!

Christmas decorating today

Lights in the window