Catch Up Thankfullness Day3 through 6

Day 3 - What are three things that make you happy in your life right now?

Thing versus people is hard to distinguish, but since I can do people with day 4, I'll stick to things. It's just weird to be this materialistic.  Though I suppose things could be generic and less about things I hold in my hand but rather things like a job. Anyway..

Gwyn is absolutely a thing that makes me happy in my life right now. She greets me every day, she pays attention when I come and go from home, she's always willing to offer a snuggle and a hug.

Even though I gripe and there's been drama, I am very happy to have my job. I love being a scientist. Love love love it. It brings me joy to puzzle things out where I can within the scope of my responsibilities. And even though the fact that I am taking on more roles is due to issues with coworkers, I am gleeful that it's experience I can use to leverage a better job.

Music. Music makes me happy in life. I've got a lot of music that is just what I need right now.


Day 4 - List 5 people you are grateful to have in your life right now. How can you show your appreciation to them?

1st Person: Eric, absolutely and hopefully forever. Sometimes I'm truly amazed at how long we've been together and how well we've built our lives together. There are things I know that I should work on personally that would be the best way to show how much I appreciate him. I know that the foundation of great relationships is good communication and when he helps me out, especially in things that let me go off and do things I enjoyed before kids, I always thank him. Always. And I try to encourage him to find similar things that he can do. He deserves it.

2nd Person:  Kaylee. She's my shining light of hope and curiousity. She has so many questions about the world and she wants to know everything. She is full of joy and energy and soaks in whatever knowledge Eric and I can impart to her. For her, my appreciation is shown by one on one time with her, reading books, just talking about the world. Play is central to how she learns so play I will.

3rd Person: Hazel. She is a spitfire. Her language mastery grows by leaps and bounds and she fit right into our little family like a puzzle piece I didn't know was missing. She loves animals, all animals but Gwyn especially. For her my appreciation is to continue to be the best mother I can be. To offer snuggles, to read to her, to take her out to the barn each day to do chores and let her dump all the grain together because even though she might spill a bit, she's learning and growing and I'm teaching her independence.

4th Person:  I'm gonna cheat here and say my online mom community that spun off of a reddit forum I was on for my first pregnancy. We all have kids around the same age and we really bonded with one another. We created a private facebook group and have been in each other's lives now for over 6 years. I can't imagine being a parent without them. We even have a little symbol, a paper airplane, to represent it all. I show my appreciation for them in little ways. Around the holidays we do a random act of christmas. Members who are struggling submit their needs and those of us who are more fortunate 'adopt' them and send gifts for Christmas. I'm planning to pick a member this year.

5th Person: The endurance community here in Michigan. They have been super welcoming to me and so very very friendly. I can show my appreciation for them by finally becoming a paying member next year, LOL.  But really, I also volunteer, because their events wouldn't run if they didn't have volunteers.

Day 5 - What was/ is the happiest time of your life (so far)? What made you so happy during that time?

There are four moments:
When I married Eric.
When Gwyn came off of the transport truck for the first time (and the second time too because boy did I miss her)
The first time I saw Kaylee and held her in my arms after her birth.
The first time I saw Hazel and held her in my arms.

For Kaylee and Hazel I thoroughly lay blame on oxytocin for that rush of love I felt. It was very very very overwhelming. I loved them instantly. I know it doesn't always happen that way, but it did for me.

I was really happy seeing Gwyn because it was a childhood dream come true. I was getting my first horse that mine, all mine, not borrowed or anything, and it was a horse I knew and had wanted. The second time she came off the truck was in Michigan and it was so happy then because I'd been separated by a whole country while I tried to organize shipping and finding a place to board after our move. I was sliding down toward depression without her and having her back where I could touch and just breathe in her smell was rejuvenating. Even Eric noticed an immediate change in my mental health and mood.

And of course, marriage. Eric is my best friend. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet and celebrating our marriage was so much fun and perfectly us. Nothing went wrong that day. Nothing.



Day 6 - Think of a difficult time in your life, and write the things that brought you happiness during that difficult time.

Well, our move to Michigan was rough. We made the decision to come for a lot of logical factors but completely forgot to discount the emotional. I was stuck in my mother in law's house with Kaylee, trying to keep her from breaking everything. It was March and winter dreary and we were on a very busy main road in front with a river in the backyard. We were in a part of the state that has nearly NOTHING to do for stay at home moms. And I didn't have Gwyn.

I started small. I got Kaylee enrolled in a montessori preschool and that freed up time for me to go look at boarding barns.  I started to coordinate transport of Gwyn from Washington to Michigan. I started working out while Kaylee was in school. Or I'd go to the marsh and go for walks. I tried to find the beauty in Michigan. This took significant effort on my part.

I decided to volunteer for an endurance ride in April. I dug the camping equipment out from all of our packed belongings that the movers brought and went off for a weekend alone, in mid April, with a bunch of other horse people. It was the perfect retreat. I was off in the woods, freezing my ass off at night in a tent, but having a brilliant time.

I returned home feeling so much better. Plus I had finally gotten a date from the shippers for getting Gwyn. The end was finally in sight. I made a lot of new friends that weekend that have lasted me through to even now.




Source

Musings and Identity

The title of this blog (Tales of a Scientist Mom, for my LJ friends where this gets crossposted to) ended up being more prophetic than I could have imagined. Even when I started it, unemployed, a mom, living in Michigan and unsure if I would find anything relevant to my career interests, I knew what to call myself.

Scientist Mom.

Not Mom Scientist, and I do believe the order is relevant here. A scientist first, mom second. Everything I teach my children I do with science in mind. Even with toys and clothes I prefer there to be a STEM flair of some kind, like a recent splurge on a toy laboratory set for Kaylee, who played with great gusto as soon as it arrived. Watching her imagine, with the beakers and eye droppers and test tubes, playing a scientist, mixing her 'chemicals' of different colored water, made me so proud.

When I read 'Rosie Revere Engineer' I cry every time Great Great Aunt Rose tells Rosie that trying and failing is when you learn the most as an engineer. That while Rosie's invention didn't succeed fully, it did almost and she just needed to keep trying. Target's latest line of kids clothing, Cat and Jack, begs for a direct infusion of money from my bank account with their awesome selection of shirts for boys but especially for girls. Shirts for girls that bear the words "Future President", pictures of dinosaurs in non-primary colors, "Yay Science" and GeNiUs spelled out with the periodic table of elements attract me like a fly to honey. They are things I want my girls to know, to wear proudly. They can be anything they set their minds toward.

I brought these things into their lives because I desperately wanted them to know that being smart and successful is something to strive for. I want to instill confidence before their peers might try and tear it down. Before teachers who aren't so up to date with their teaching methods ask why they're even bothering to try in the special math and science programs (happened to me). I want to prepare them to face the things I faced, to build them a mountain of success so when people try and take stabs at the base they don't crumble from a loss of foundation.

Leading up to my first day back to work I hemmed and hawed. Was I doing the right thing? Kaylee had gotten the benefit of a whole year of me being home before I worked again. Hazel was only getting 4 months. I knew Kaylee would be fine, but Hazel? She was still a baby. Would she eat? Would I miss out on those special moments? But I really wanted this job.  I told my fears to Eric and bless him he understood. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. And that there wasn't a right answer or any platitude that could ease my anxiety.

But I went anyway.  The allure of the laboratory was too strong.

Hazel did fine. She didn't eat, which I expected, but I kept pumping for her anyway. And I watched and learned new methodology, new types of microbiological testing. Then, unlike my last job, I was trusted to go it alone and work independently. What a difference. And with the constant work they have, I often leave knowing that there's more for me to do the next day. There's no time to sit and be bored or distracted.  If I have ADD, it does not affect me negatively in such an environment. When I'm at work I'm focused and I don't feel as though I need to be medicated. Or worry that the only way I'll succeed is if I achieve a diagnosis and prescription or therapy.

As I sat in the lab this week, slowly, methodically, innoculating black agar plates with samples of water that may have Legionella, I realized I was happy. As I looked at my nitrile gloved hands I realized that I loved that I could go home and tell Kaylee that I was a scientist and really mean it and say it with truth in my voice, rather than doubt of a stay at home mom who has once worked in a lab.

It was an empowering feeling.  I AM a scientist. Full stop. No qualifications needed on the statement. It feels good to say.

I'm a scientist.

I'm a microbiologist.

I'm also a mom.

I needed to have this facet of my identity restored.

And I'm working just enough, I think. I'm away for about six hours a day. A full third of that is commute. I don't have to get up early, we can wake up at our natural rhythm (around 7:30am) and snuggle in bed without feeling rushed. We get ready for school (if it's a school day).  I drop Kaylee off and can check in with her teacher.

My commute is my chill time. I listen to public radio and catch up on current events, or drive in silence, which sometimes soothes my introvert soul. Then at work I throw myself into my tasks. Maybe it's sampling the clean room, or taking all of the Legionella tests for the day and churning them out. Lunch with my coworkers, who are lovely and friendly. Pumping by myself, a short introvert recharge while I daydream about my baby snuggles from the morning and the gummy smiles Hazel greets me with when I come to pick her up. Then its finishing up lab work and writing reports if I need to and cleaning up my space. Then home, another quiet moment in the car while I listen to Terri Gross and Fresh Air on NPR until I reach the dead zone where neither coverage from the two different stations are good enough for continuous listening.

And then I'm picking up my girls and I can be on point and focused. I'm not yelling or frustrated or burnt out from too much extrovert 4 year old and a needy baby. I can breathe and give them the attention they deserve from me.

I'm a better mom. I feel it in my core. And that makes this all worthwhile.

Palytoxin

My article is online and published and a check is in the mail.

This is an AWESOME feeling. I can't wait for my next article assignment. I really enjoyed devoting time to this. It was a good exercise in time management since I needed to work on it when Hazel was sleeping and that time is limited in quantity.

Palytoxins

Science!!

A college acquaintance contacted me about doing some writing for his organization. I jumped at the chance and started working on my assignment today! It's a paid writing gig and I'm really enjoying being able to throw myself into some awesome science and learn about a new topic.

My research topic is all about palytoxins and their dangers in reefkeeping. The take home message that I'm seeing emphasized over and over again in my reading is that if you're handling live rock and coral, wear gloves, wear eye protection and probably a mask too. And keep pets out of the area. This stuff is nasty and it will not discriminate in cells that it targets.

It feels really good to be delving back into research and science. And given Hazel's current nap schedule, I actually have time to get this done and work from home. It's an all around good feeling for me right now.

In other news, I finally got the vet out to see the animals. I need to acquire some dewormer for both of them and Gwyn needs to lose weight... oops.

I do my best research and learning by summarizing what I read and handwriting notes. This later helps me organize what I want to write. I'm also making a digital copy in case a 4 year old occurs.

It can be hard to do research with a 4 year old on your back

During the vet visit. Gwyn and Saffron were well behaved, Hazel fell asleep, and Kaylee was the whiniest whiner.

We've been going for evening walks. This was last night. An impromptu math lesson.

I love these girls.

At the track for our evening walk. Yes she is wearing snow boots...

I can see the big kid in her face in this picture. I love it.

Happy 8th Anniversary!

We did not get each other traditional gifts. I'm likely getting a lilac bush at some point and I bought REALLY nice steaks for dinner for us since there's no way we're going out to a nice dinner as has been tradition.  Usually this tradition also involves us discussing the State of the Marriage and future possibilities. We've agreed to rain check the discussion, especially now that we're near a Melting Pot again (the majority of our State of the Marriage Addresses have taken place at Melting Pot)

But on this day, 8 years ago, we were married* in front of our friends and family on the water in Connecticut. It was a perfect day.

All our guests and wedding party

Branford House at UCONN Avery Point. That's my brother playing the trumpet.

Our Reveal. 

My flowers were the bomb-diggity. I was not a hands on bride. I told the florist our colors and general theme and said "I'd like it to be like I went out into a field of wildflowers and collected a ton. I trust you. Surprise me." They were perfect. I don't think I could have described this exact thing and gotten it.

That attitude was how I approached wedding planning in general.

Notice the feet? I ditched the shoes VERY early on. Like before the ceremony.

So a general State of the Marriage

In 8 years we have:

Lived in 3 states (Florida, Washington and Michigan)

Had 2 kids!
Bought a horse

Bought 2 houses

Sold 1 house

Acquired 2 donkeys (and given away 1)

Had a fucking blast!

Here's to many more!

*Technically our legal marriage date is sometime around January.... shhh, neither of us remember the exact date, lol

Soon...

I'm 40 weeks pregnant as of Sunday and had my series of appointments yesterday down at the hospital. Induction was discussed and I had a second sweep. That evening I tried two sessions of nipple stimulation with my breast pump and lo and behold, contractions started up and didn't stop, even through a bath.   I went to bed last night, moderately hopeful.

I didn't get much sleep, maybe 5 hours, and contractions have been continuing this morning so I'm reasonably sure I'm in early labor. We'll see how much faster this labor is from Kaylee's. I'm not anywhere near hospital intensity yet, or even needing support from someone else and contractions are nearly close together enough in frequency.

Kaylee finds my breast pump fascinating

Still doing my chores

Saffron has become very friendly

Yay selfies!

Mental Health

It's a little scary how necessary horses have become in my life. When I didn't have Gwyn immediately following our move to Michigan, things seemed hopeless and awful and I hated everything. As soon as Gwyn got here, I was so much better. Really, as soon as I had that weekend of camping at the endurance ride things got better.

Now, despite staying a part of horsey activities, like the Distance Derby meetup, I'm finding that I'm still falling apart and fraying at the edges. Last month I had crazy anxiety about the birth that I was able to simmer down and feel reassured after meeting with one of the midwives.

But yesterday, after meeting with the OB again, I had a breakdown before I was able to even leave the office. The poor nurses who found me, they kept asking if I was alright, if my appointment went well, if the baby was okay. And yes, everything was outwardly fine and I couldn't explain why I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Personally, I think it's a combination of a lot of things that are all piling together, one or two of them alone I could handle, but all of them is a recipe for disaster.

1. I do not trust medical doctors. This goes back several years to when I was considering starting the process for bariatric surgery. We had just moved to Washington and I went to establish care with a new primary physician. I laid out the difficulty I had with losing weight, the strategies I was trying and what my general diet was like.

I was told to stop drinking soda. I did not drink soda. It soured me, but not fully until I went to have a well woman check for a pap smear. I was intrigued by the concept that I could use a midwife for those check ups and made an appointment. The person I had looked into was on maternity leave, instead I met with her substitute, Elias, also a midwife. He looked at my history, saw that I had mentioned my science background and thought that was cool and proceeded to talk to me and send me science journal articles to support the advice he had given me. I talked to him about my same concerns, my heavy period, trouble losing weight, and he helped me come up with a game plan and strategies we could try, different foods to focus on once he had a hormone panel back that showed slight irregularities.

I followed his advice and suddenly I was successful with my weight loss, without adding in any more exercise. That experience was so positive, I drove out of my way to use him for my prenatal care when I became pregnant with Kaylee. He was worth it to me. Even later, seeing more doctors about similar weight issues and minor stuff, I kept feeling like I was being brushed off, or talked at. So I wouldn't really bother going in for stuff for me.

It's probably why I waited so long for my leg pain.

2. That damn leg pain. Somehow I think I still haven't fully processed the bilateral PEs and my DVT. I feel fine, just as healthy as before, only now I have medicine I take twice a day. It's either that or I resent how this has changed my life. Michigan was supposed to be awesome where I could just go out and ride and I can't do that.

3. Not riding. This is killing me more than I care to admit. With this most recent breakdown I talked with Eric and we're taking a position of "my mental health needs to take priority right now".

So screw the blood thinners. I'm going for a ride today. Bareback, in the arena, at no more than a walk, and probably no more than 20 minutes. But I need it. Just making the decision that I would do that today has perked me up considerably. Screw the doctors. I warned them this was going to be bad for me. I TOLD THEM when I met them.



That all being said, I'm fairly certain I was triggered at my appointment, in a very subtle way. At my previous midwife appointment we worked out a plan where I could ask to alternate care with OB and midwives in the practice, rather than doing only OB. I was told I would be 'allowed' to see the midwives if he, the OB, was in the office at the time of the appointment.

I asked about monitoring my blood glucose rather than taking the gestational diabetes test and he very begrudgingly told me maybe, if I tracked a couple days to show that I was doing okay on the glucose monitor (which I now need to dig up and make sure it works).  In pressing to assert the kind of care I want and received with Elias last time, I was chided because my 'condition' was very serious and DVTs and bilateral PEs are not something to take lightly.

Fuck dude. I UNDERSTAND THAT. I just feel like all control has been taken from me. I'm trying to snatch it back in bits and pieces. Work with me, explain why, come up with a plan with me, don't just tell me what to do because I'm going to dig my heels in if you do.

Anyway, I asked to talk to Joanne, the other midwife, who was thankfully in the office that day. I explained a lot of this to her. And she got it. She talked me through some things that I was worried about (induction, mainly) and I did feel better at the end.

I don't know that they realized how serious this is to me. And how much Eric and I have been strategizing labor. We're laboring as much as we can at home. If we go in and are sent back we're going to just go and walk around a nearby mall depending on the weather. We're semi-seriously joking about delivering at the mall because we'll probably wait too long. Eric gets me and he's going to be an excellent advocate for me, just like he was with Kaylee. I trust him wholly and completely.

So, now excuse me while I go throw my middle fingers to the sky and all my medical care team, screaming FUCK YOU while I ride my horse.

Because they'd all have an aneurism if they found out.

A day of adulting!

Spine and head, profile

Foot

Grandma (Eric's Mom) took Kaylee this morning, leaving Eric and I a blissfully childfree day. We started things off with a trip down to the hospital for the anatomy scan for Babydos! Things went well, though I do find I'm constantly comparing experiences between pregnancies. This ultrasound was much more business like and we really didn't get as many images as we did with Kaylee.

We had an excellent view of the heart beating and my placenta is nice and high, in a perfect position! So no previa for me!

Babydos was HIGHLY uncooperative. S/he had her legs crossed nearly the whole time AND had both hands up by his face, effectively blocking the awesome voldemort view. We did finally get an in between the legs shot for hopefully definitive sex announcement, which will happen Saturday, so no spoilers :P

Afterwards, we went to Buy Buy Baby and picked out the appropriate Little Sister/Little Brother onesie as well as some blank ones for our name announcement party this Saturday.

Then we headed out to one of the malls in the area and grabbed lunch at a Hibachi steakhouse, walked around the mall, and caught "The Martian" in theatres before it left. We were the only ones in the theatre, which was awesome. I had read the novel, Eric had not but had expressed significant interest. We thoroughly enjoyed our private showing and agreed it reminded us of when we lived in Florida.

We took back roads home because I was hoping to catch the local bakery before it closed but alas, it was not to be. I'll go first thing tomorrow.

Eric has been feeling a bit down about Michigan, but declared that he was feeling much better. I think we really needed this all day date. It was one of the things we were hoping to have by moving here, more child care from family and that just hasn't happened until now. It was sorely needed. We are in such good spirits for having 'us' time as a couple where we don't have to be Mom or Dad.

So now I have a party to get ready for! My mom will be flying in Thursday to do her consulting work for the textbook company in Lapeer, a nearby town. This gig was entirely random and she jumped at the chance to have someone else pay to fly her out to see me. She'll leave Sunday. It's not going to be a baby shower, I've expressly stated it's just for fun to decorate onesies and have cake and announce name and sex of Babydos. Just an excuse to have everyone get together.

But as for babydos? Kaylee is going to be thrilled!

That damn cramp....

I mentioned, in the same paragraph no less, that I'd been having a cramp in my leg combined with out of breathness.

Well. It wasn't a muscle cramp, tear or strain, like I thought.

Eric finally had enough and made me go to urgent care on Sunday. I drove myself in, arriving an hour after they opened (11am) to find I was the only one there. Sweet! I got seen immediately and related my symptoms. The doctor on call asked about shortness of breath and I did say I'd been having trouble walking up stairs. I think her face paled and she told me that I was going to the ER for suspected blood clot. She asked which one I preferred. We're in this healthcare desert so I could travel to several, all about 25 miles away. I chose to stay with Henry Ford.

The clinic called ahead and gave me paperwork to expedite my ER admission. I drove myself and called Eric and my Mom to give them a heads up. I walked into the ER and again, was seen right away. Sunday morning was slow, apparently, or I was near top of the triage priority. I got brought back and the nurse practictioner explained what the plan was going to be.

The first thing was they were going to do the D-Dimer test with my blood. It's the least invasive test for blood clots(and probably cheapest) but you can test false positive if you're pregnant. If I was negative, that was awesome.

I was positive.

Next I was sent up for an ultrasound of my legs. They were looking for a blood clot, or deep vein thrombosis.

The tech found a blood clot. When I was wheeled back down to my space in triage, the nurse practitioner kind of laughed, and said, "You're staying with us tonight."  In other words, they were admitting me.

Blood clots are serious business. Pregnant women are at a higher risk for blood clots due to excess clotting factor in their blood. Several doctors (both General and OB) explained that there was a risk that the clot broke off and moved to my lungs (where it could cause a pulmonary embolism if untreated) but the treatment was the same. The ER was declining to perform a CT scan because they were just going to treat me anyway if a clot was found in my leg. If one hadn't been found in my leg, I was going to CT next.

I was given a shot of blood thinner and sent up to my room. My phone was getting low in battery so I called Eric and he arranged for his sister to bring me a charger and a book to read. He was busy keeping Kaylee occupied and we both thought that a hospital visit at night would make bedtime a gnarly mess.

I settled into my room and enjoyed a brief visit from family. Then I settled in for the evening. My only hospital experience previous was when I was helping my friend Cheryl with her labor. You get checked very regularly by nurses when in labor at the hospital and I guess that's labor specific because I was not checked or bothered regularly and was basically left to my own devices with instructions that they didn't want me wandering the halls since I was on blood thinners.

It did not take long for me to go stir crazy.  Thankfully the hospital had free wi-fi. I called Eric after Kaylee was asleep and we chatted. Then I was in for a restless night. I slept for 3.5 hours before tylenol wore off and my leg pain was back. I was debating calling the nurse when an alarm started going off in the hospital. I figured she had to be awake anyway, so I called and asked for more tylenol. Apparently there was a fire drill. At 3:30 am. By 4:30a the tylenol was working its magic so I  started trying to get back to sleep. At 5:30 a resident came in to talk to me.  I was ready to kill her. I rolled over but at 6 a patient transporter came to get me. I was heading down for an echocardiogram to make sure my heart looked good.

I zoned out for part of the  morning and people were in and out. The big thing was the doctors changed their minds. They still wanted me to have a CT scan to check for clots in my lungs, even though the treatment wouldn't change.

I went for my CT scan around 1pm. It didn't take long and the contrast dye made me feel like I was peeing my pants for a brief moment and then I had a moment where it felt like I was struggling to breathe but it passed.

My midwife came by to talk to me and that felt really nice that she took time in her day to do that. She splits her time between being at this hospital (why I chose it, so all my care was under the same account) and being at a location closer to me. I really like her and I'm hoping I can still be somewhat under her care for this pregnancy.

I called the home birth midwife and canceled my appointment for today (tuesday). I've effectively risked out of home birth, which REALLY sucks but there's nothing I can do about it.

The obgyn came back with my CT results. I had multiple clots in both of my lungs. It was likely the source of my out of breathness. After she left I had a minor breakdown and just cried. Thinking about how close I came to potentially dying  is nervewracking. My midwife came back to talk about that too, gently and jokingly scolding me for going all out with the risk factor, hah. She also got me in for an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists. All of my appointments now are going to be at the hospital. No choice in the matter, but I may be able to alternate and keep seeing my midwife.

It's weird. The pregnancy is high risk, but me laboring is not, because I'll be pulled off of the blood thinners for that. I just don't know if the OBs are going to be super controlling about timing or if they'll let me go into spontaneous labor (my desire). I absolutely cannot be on blood thinners if I need a C-section, but the plan is that I stay on my current medicine until 35 weeks, then switch to heparin, which can be easily and quickly reversed when the time comes for labor.

Eric came down to the hospital and brought Kaylee. It was so nice to have them with me and Kaylee definitely missed me. She was very cuddly but also fascinated by my IV and the bits of blood that had leaked a little. You could see the little gears turning when the internal medicine doctor came in to talk to me and listened to my lungs with his stethoscope. She plays with her play stethoscope at home and does similar things.

All of the doctors were basically agreeing that I was clear to be discharged at that point. But we also had to talk to the patient advocate at the hospital about my medicine cost. Even though Eric has a great job, and an arguably good insurance policy, my medicine will cost us $3000 for this first month's supply and $2000 for next month (when we meet our deductible) and after that will just be a copay. Until January, when it starts all over again. Of course, some of this might change as we pay for the hospital stay.  The hospital pharmacy only had 10 doses on hand. For me, that's 5 days worth. It was $895.

If I was on medicaid, it would be free.  Thanks insurance companies, screwing over the middle class. Never have I wished more for single payer insurance. We can pay it. We're not going to be broke because of it. But it certainly affects how we had budgeted. I can't imagine how I would be able to get my medicine if Eric made a little bit less.

After getting a flu shot, I was officially discharged at 6 pm. I am forbidden from risky activities where I could fall and experience an internal bleed.

So no more riding for this pregnancy. I am going to go crazy. I did decide that I'm going to ground drive Gwyn, and maybe get her working on the farm and doing the arena dragging and pasture dragging. That would be something we could do together. I have also offered her for lease, so she continues to be ridden, per the suggestion of Jim, my old dressage trainer.

I don't think Eric has fully process this. We were going to have a heart to heart after Kaylee went to bed last night, but I laid down and just passed out, I was so tired. He doesn't have anyone to talk to about this stuff except me, so when something happens to me, he's stuck. I have my online group of moms and this place to get my verbal vomit down and deal with shit. He doesn't have that outlet.

All in all, it was a crazy Sunday/Monday. I'm home and that feels so good. My health issues were found before something more serious than a leg cramp cropped up, and I'm keeping myself healthy for Babydos.

Yaaaay Internet!

A hiatus from posting occurred as we transitioned from my mother in law's house to our new place. And then had to wait for internet to arrive, which it did, today. HUZZAH!

So suffice it to say I have a lot to catch up on with writing but I can't WAIT to share everything that's going on. I feel like I'm in a good place right now.


Here's some teaser photos!

What a crazy weekend

On Saturday Kaylee had her soccer 'practice' in the morning that we were finally prepared fully for. Despite stuffing her face on the 40 minute drive there she STILL wanted snacks halfway through practice. At least I was prepared and she definitely was in a more participatory mood this week compared to last.

After soccer we drove over to Heidebreicht Cheverolet and I got to test drive some new and used Silverados!   Our house closes 2 days from today (!!!!) at which point a little over 80k will be deposited into our bank account. Most of that will go towards the new house's down payment of 20% (and damn it feels good to not need PMI on this next house!) but we have set aside a portion to pay off Eric's last student loan and then buy me a truck and trailer for Gwyn. If we can swing it, we're also going to pay off Eric's new car he bought in March. 

The dealership has a used 3500 duramax extended cab long box from 2005 for 24k that I kind of fell in love with. I'd never need another truck. I did like the 2015 extended cab they had in gas. We'll see what I end up getting. Trailer wise my plan is to offer around 5k for the Grewe's trailer and then fix it up. Eric and I even discussed me taking some welding classes to do the metalwork myself. It'd be a useful skill to have. I'm even contemplating taking a whole degree of it and just finding a welding job. Or maybe I flip horse trailers. Who knows. It's all hypothetical at this point anyway.

Yesterday SIL Elyse graduated with her Juris Doctor from Case Western Reserve Law School at the ripe old age of 22. She is a beast. We drove down to Cleveland OH (Kaylee ate/snacked the whole 3 hour drive) to watch the graduation and celebrate. That was a lot of fun and Kaylee was a rock star. We had to take her out of the auditorium a few times when she got restless but she was a saint compared to some other kids.

*puts sanctimommy hat on*
Seriously, if your kid is going to SCREECH (right behind me)  take the damn child OUT. If you can't keep your kid under control at least remove them for the sake of others in the audience.

*takes hat off*

One of the ushers mentioned how she wished they had a room for parents with kids where it got video'd in. I told her I thought it was a great idea and I would definitely have used it!

Elyse takes the Bar in July and then won't get the results until November. Apparently loans don't start accruing interest until November because you can't work as a full attorney until that point. Interesting.

We drove back to Detroit for dinner. Kaylee slept for half the drive (90 minute nap) and then was a rockstar again at dinner. She went to bed fairly easily but it was late at nearly 10:30pm and I fell asleep with her upstairs and woke at 2am to come downstairs. She followed me, apparently, very silently, and climbed into our bed. I thought/hoped she would fall back asleep but that didn't happen. So at who knows what time I brought her back to bed and changed her diaper and came back downstairs. She slept in this morning until 9:30 and around 8 I opted to keep her home from school again so she could sleep. 

In less exciting news, my first cycle on Metformin was a bust and no pregnancy this month. I've included a picture of my basal body temp chart. It was ALL over the place and high again this morning, but my period is starting.  I'm so discouraged. It's been 14 months now with not even a miscarriage (which quite honestly I'd welcome right now because at least I'd know sperm met egg)

I decided to order more LH strips since mine are still packed away and I don't feel like digging through a huge wardrobe box to find such a small item. I also discovered that you can track ovulation by looking at the crystallization pattern of salts in your saliva under a microscope. They sell rinky dinky little microscopes that look like lipstick cases but that would be too obvious for me LOL. So instead I found a better rated, better quality pocket microscope for far cheaper. Plus, I'd want an actual microscope with more functions. I also picked up some add-on slides because I'd met the minimum purchase amount already. 72 glass slides for less than 4 bucks! Woo!

Since Kaylee is home and I'm not likely to ride, I decided we'll head to Costco soon. An online friend is in need of food and diapers this month, her WIC got cut by $100 and no one can explain why and she has two little girls to feed in addition to her husband. I'm getting her a costco gift card and will probably pick up some dry goods to ship.  Costco is cost effective IF you can drop the large amount of money up front for over all cheaper items in bulk. She's part of the mom's group that moved to facebook after we all were pregnant together on Reddit. I love these women and the perspective they give me. We come from all walks of life and it makes me both grateful to have the life I have and the husband I have (Eric is a pretty stellar person and father) and thankful that I can give back to these ladies when there's an opportunity. This one lady gives of herself SO much and it feels good to know that we all band together in our little online village to help each other out.

Over Christmas we organized a secret santa of sorts, where ladies who were struggling could sign up for help with gifts and those who were able could sign up to help others out. I drew a wonderful person in Hawaii who just got a new apartment to escape her methhead abusive ex (seriously, this guy takes the cake for idiots). She has two beautiful boys and it was extremely fulfilling to impact someone's life in such a direct way. I much prefer this form of giving to a blind donation. 

Feeling Better

Thanks for all your kind comments. I definitely made use of my support network, even if they aren't physically near me, and I think even venting out loud about the whole thing was a big help. I got outside of the house, took Kaylee to a park, and today we went over a Mom friend's house (she's on work from home doctor's orders from some issues in her pregnancy) where Kaylee got to play with a ton of toys and generally had a blast, and I got adult socializing. Yay!

I've also got an appointment scheduled for Monday to see an OB to talk about fertility stuff. I'm giving myself a pass this month and I'm not even looking at periods and ovulation because it's just too much to handle. I've mentally let go of worrying about when our house sells. It will sell when it sells.

Eric did redo the numbers on our finances now that we know what GM will cover in terms of realtor fees for selling the house. They are actually covering MORE than what we originally budgeted for (provided we aren't counting our chickens, etc) which means that, provided our house sells for its new list price of 325k, we'll have a max budget of 375k.

It's a whole new wooooooooorld!


I also found some fun jobs to apply for!

Emotional Stability

When Eric and I discussed moving to Michigan one of our concerns was the lag period, the time we're in now, where we're not in our own space, the horse hasn't arrived and the social circle is not yet replaced. Several years ago now, I had a bad period where, looking back, I was depressed. We were both worried that I might regress with this move. Today was a day where I can admit, out loud, that yes, I see myself getting more and more depressed. There is so much that is out of my control right now and I'm struggling day to day.

 This week is especially hard because Kaylee is on spring break from her Montessori school so I don't have any opportunities for mental breaks through the day. I didn't want to leave the house yesterday and it was more harmful than beneficial. A toddler should not be contained.

 Between selling the house and house hunting, I'm stressed. We just signed paperwork to lower the asking price on the WA house and that's not a happy thing to do, but if we want it sold we need to attract buyers and get more views of the house.

 My MIL is starting to exert more control over her house, despite not living in it. We have been asked to keep the heat low, get a storage pod and move all extra boxes into the garage. Eric suspects that she is going to want to show the house to potential buyers, so if the house is sold, we'll be out of a place to stay. While that's not a huge risk at the moment, it's nonetheless a potential scenario that we need to discuss and plan for.

 I've yet to find new friends who are free during the week. Algonac has shit for things to do, so I have to travel further and look farther afield to find activities for Kaylee. One mom's group rejected me for not attending any of their events when I'd only put in for a trial for a week (their rules stated there was a 30 day window). I do have two online friends in the area, for which I am extremely grateful. I've met both of them in person now, one at the zoo and the other for the maple syrup festival.

 Kaylee has had some issues falling asleep so Eric and I tag team sitting with her until she's asleep so that's cutting into our adult time to just talk, forget about sex.

 We saw the top of the list house on Saturday and I'm in love. I really want to be able to make an offer, more than anything right now. I want our own space.

 I have been working out pretty regularly, which is good! But I'm not seeing a change at the scale, and that's not helping my mood at all.

And we've been trying to conceive for a year now, officially, with no success.  


So, things I've done to proactively work on my mood:

Today I took Kaylee to an indoor play area and rather than going home after we were done, we went to the nearby metropark with the kickass playground AND took a 3/4 mile walk. Then minor retail therapy at Play it Again Sports where I found toddler size soccer cleats. ADORABLE. Kaylee starts soccer at the end of the month and I'm excited!

Being outside today definitely helped me feel better. I need to promise myself to get outside every day.

Tomorrow we're going to a different metropark that has a farm and a 'meet the babies' every morning. That's more for me than Kaylee, but she'll enjoy it and it will get us out of the house.  Thursday we're meeting Elyse (online Mom friend) at her house for coffee. Her daughter will be at school, but Kaylee will be able to run wild in the house and play with toys.

Sunday Grandma is taking Kaylee for the whole day. Eric and I plan to have a nice long Skype DnD session with WA friends. Grandma does not know this is why we wanted child sitting.

I am going to try and get a massage next week while Kaylee is in school. And maybe start moving some of my horse stuff in to the new barn.

I also have my solo camping trip to volunteer for an endurance ride coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am excited about that, except I can't find my hiking boots. Grr.

Most everything else is out of my control, so I'm going to focus on things that I can do for myself. I'm also going to make an appointment to see an OB and talk about fertility.



I was supposed to fly back in May to assist with a horse show at Hollywood Hill Saddle Club. It was going to be the Hunter Jumper's first judged show. We'd previously done only fun shows where you pay for a round in the ring to practice with a jump course. (Notice I still say we... can't help myself)  That show got moved to July because the ride organizer, my friend Jan, broke her leg. I had already purchased my flight before I even moved to Michigan and she didn't let me know early enough to avoid the fee for changing/cancelling my flight. I had thought that I might not be able to make the new date but Eric cleared that up today, so I'll be able to return to WA in July for a day or so to help with the show anyway! That helped cheer me up today.

Rainbow Place

A friend of mine pasted a facebook status about saying goodbye to a home for the first time in his life, one that he started raising a family in. I started crying, just reading it and imagining driving away from our house for the last time.

I love our house. It's far from perfect but it was the first place we could make our own and really match it to our personalities. And for crying out loud, the street name is Rainbow Place. Isn't that just the epitome of awesome?! In the land of numbered street names, it's pretty rad, let me tell you.

We were able to start to really see our vision for being a sustainable, renewable family come to fruition. The flooring we installed was eco friendly bamboo and cork and remnant tile. We were looking into getting a rain barrel. We used a push mower, then an electric, no gas. We built raised garden beds to grow fruit and vegetables to eat.

We installed FUCKING SOLAR PANELS.


Now, nothing prevents us from doing this again. But I feel invested in this house. I feel like we're leaving it too early. And the one thing I finally admitted to myself as I cried into my pillow was this:

I don't want to go.

Everything logical about the move makes it the right thing but my heart is just aching. Maybe it would be easier if Eric wasn't gone already, 2000 miles away loving his new job. Maybe if I wasn't faced with the prospect of being without my horse for 2-3 months. Maybe it's the stress of being a single parent for longer than a day or two. I don't know.


I was hoping for a pick me up tonight. The barn was holding a farewell party for me. Dani couldn't make it, her work ran late and then she had other things that I knew she was going to have to get to. There's a big horse show that a group went to. One person is in Michigan for a wedding. Everyone had other things to do.

It hurts. And I hope it didn't show. I made shredded beef with some of the grass feed 1/4 cow I bought last year with a friend. It was amazing. I brought dinner rolls. One person brought banana cream pie. Two others brought cookies. 8 people showed. 4 of them were kids, one of the four was my own.

I kind of suspected, because it was potluck and the sign up board for what people were bringing was pretty damn sparse. But I made a damn good shredded beef in the crockpot. My house smelled fucking AMAZING all day. And everyone who had it loved it. And it was just enough to feed the people who were there, so in the end that was good. 

I'm going to the tack sale tomorrow to try and find some things to outfit my eventual barn with. I've got some significant cash but I doubt I'll spend it all. I might try and snag a buddy saddle if the price is reasonable. Maybe a pony saddle :D I also consigned some of my stuff. I hope it sells.

I'm thinking saddle racks and bridle racks, a whip holder, mounting block. Who knows. Pitchfork would be awesome. We'll see. But NOT BRIDLES FOR GWYN. Or halters. I have plenty. Self, DO NOT BUY THOSE THINGS. A lunge whip, though, that would be okay. Somehow I lose them to barn gremlins. Maybe tiny riding pants for Kaylee :D Ooo!

Then sunday Kaylee goes to daycare. And I go for a one last hurrah trail ride with Cortney and Blaine. This will hopefully be the redemption for tonight's downer. I really hope.

And maybe locking the door and leaving the keys will be okay. Because I need to embrace the new adventure that awaits and realizing a childhood dream of waking up and seeing my horse out my window. That would ease my heartache.