Catch Up Thankfullness Day3 through 6

Day 3 - What are three things that make you happy in your life right now?

Thing versus people is hard to distinguish, but since I can do people with day 4, I'll stick to things. It's just weird to be this materialistic.  Though I suppose things could be generic and less about things I hold in my hand but rather things like a job. Anyway..

Gwyn is absolutely a thing that makes me happy in my life right now. She greets me every day, she pays attention when I come and go from home, she's always willing to offer a snuggle and a hug.

Even though I gripe and there's been drama, I am very happy to have my job. I love being a scientist. Love love love it. It brings me joy to puzzle things out where I can within the scope of my responsibilities. And even though the fact that I am taking on more roles is due to issues with coworkers, I am gleeful that it's experience I can use to leverage a better job.

Music. Music makes me happy in life. I've got a lot of music that is just what I need right now.


Day 4 - List 5 people you are grateful to have in your life right now. How can you show your appreciation to them?

1st Person: Eric, absolutely and hopefully forever. Sometimes I'm truly amazed at how long we've been together and how well we've built our lives together. There are things I know that I should work on personally that would be the best way to show how much I appreciate him. I know that the foundation of great relationships is good communication and when he helps me out, especially in things that let me go off and do things I enjoyed before kids, I always thank him. Always. And I try to encourage him to find similar things that he can do. He deserves it.

2nd Person:  Kaylee. She's my shining light of hope and curiousity. She has so many questions about the world and she wants to know everything. She is full of joy and energy and soaks in whatever knowledge Eric and I can impart to her. For her, my appreciation is shown by one on one time with her, reading books, just talking about the world. Play is central to how she learns so play I will.

3rd Person: Hazel. She is a spitfire. Her language mastery grows by leaps and bounds and she fit right into our little family like a puzzle piece I didn't know was missing. She loves animals, all animals but Gwyn especially. For her my appreciation is to continue to be the best mother I can be. To offer snuggles, to read to her, to take her out to the barn each day to do chores and let her dump all the grain together because even though she might spill a bit, she's learning and growing and I'm teaching her independence.

4th Person:  I'm gonna cheat here and say my online mom community that spun off of a reddit forum I was on for my first pregnancy. We all have kids around the same age and we really bonded with one another. We created a private facebook group and have been in each other's lives now for over 6 years. I can't imagine being a parent without them. We even have a little symbol, a paper airplane, to represent it all. I show my appreciation for them in little ways. Around the holidays we do a random act of christmas. Members who are struggling submit their needs and those of us who are more fortunate 'adopt' them and send gifts for Christmas. I'm planning to pick a member this year.

5th Person: The endurance community here in Michigan. They have been super welcoming to me and so very very friendly. I can show my appreciation for them by finally becoming a paying member next year, LOL.  But really, I also volunteer, because their events wouldn't run if they didn't have volunteers.

Day 5 - What was/ is the happiest time of your life (so far)? What made you so happy during that time?

There are four moments:
When I married Eric.
When Gwyn came off of the transport truck for the first time (and the second time too because boy did I miss her)
The first time I saw Kaylee and held her in my arms after her birth.
The first time I saw Hazel and held her in my arms.

For Kaylee and Hazel I thoroughly lay blame on oxytocin for that rush of love I felt. It was very very very overwhelming. I loved them instantly. I know it doesn't always happen that way, but it did for me.

I was really happy seeing Gwyn because it was a childhood dream come true. I was getting my first horse that mine, all mine, not borrowed or anything, and it was a horse I knew and had wanted. The second time she came off the truck was in Michigan and it was so happy then because I'd been separated by a whole country while I tried to organize shipping and finding a place to board after our move. I was sliding down toward depression without her and having her back where I could touch and just breathe in her smell was rejuvenating. Even Eric noticed an immediate change in my mental health and mood.

And of course, marriage. Eric is my best friend. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet and celebrating our marriage was so much fun and perfectly us. Nothing went wrong that day. Nothing.



Day 6 - Think of a difficult time in your life, and write the things that brought you happiness during that difficult time.

Well, our move to Michigan was rough. We made the decision to come for a lot of logical factors but completely forgot to discount the emotional. I was stuck in my mother in law's house with Kaylee, trying to keep her from breaking everything. It was March and winter dreary and we were on a very busy main road in front with a river in the backyard. We were in a part of the state that has nearly NOTHING to do for stay at home moms. And I didn't have Gwyn.

I started small. I got Kaylee enrolled in a montessori preschool and that freed up time for me to go look at boarding barns.  I started to coordinate transport of Gwyn from Washington to Michigan. I started working out while Kaylee was in school. Or I'd go to the marsh and go for walks. I tried to find the beauty in Michigan. This took significant effort on my part.

I decided to volunteer for an endurance ride in April. I dug the camping equipment out from all of our packed belongings that the movers brought and went off for a weekend alone, in mid April, with a bunch of other horse people. It was the perfect retreat. I was off in the woods, freezing my ass off at night in a tent, but having a brilliant time.

I returned home feeling so much better. Plus I had finally gotten a date from the shippers for getting Gwyn. The end was finally in sight. I made a lot of new friends that weekend that have lasted me through to even now.




Source

Emotional Stability

When Eric and I discussed moving to Michigan one of our concerns was the lag period, the time we're in now, where we're not in our own space, the horse hasn't arrived and the social circle is not yet replaced. Several years ago now, I had a bad period where, looking back, I was depressed. We were both worried that I might regress with this move. Today was a day where I can admit, out loud, that yes, I see myself getting more and more depressed. There is so much that is out of my control right now and I'm struggling day to day.

 This week is especially hard because Kaylee is on spring break from her Montessori school so I don't have any opportunities for mental breaks through the day. I didn't want to leave the house yesterday and it was more harmful than beneficial. A toddler should not be contained.

 Between selling the house and house hunting, I'm stressed. We just signed paperwork to lower the asking price on the WA house and that's not a happy thing to do, but if we want it sold we need to attract buyers and get more views of the house.

 My MIL is starting to exert more control over her house, despite not living in it. We have been asked to keep the heat low, get a storage pod and move all extra boxes into the garage. Eric suspects that she is going to want to show the house to potential buyers, so if the house is sold, we'll be out of a place to stay. While that's not a huge risk at the moment, it's nonetheless a potential scenario that we need to discuss and plan for.

 I've yet to find new friends who are free during the week. Algonac has shit for things to do, so I have to travel further and look farther afield to find activities for Kaylee. One mom's group rejected me for not attending any of their events when I'd only put in for a trial for a week (their rules stated there was a 30 day window). I do have two online friends in the area, for which I am extremely grateful. I've met both of them in person now, one at the zoo and the other for the maple syrup festival.

 Kaylee has had some issues falling asleep so Eric and I tag team sitting with her until she's asleep so that's cutting into our adult time to just talk, forget about sex.

 We saw the top of the list house on Saturday and I'm in love. I really want to be able to make an offer, more than anything right now. I want our own space.

 I have been working out pretty regularly, which is good! But I'm not seeing a change at the scale, and that's not helping my mood at all.

And we've been trying to conceive for a year now, officially, with no success.  


So, things I've done to proactively work on my mood:

Today I took Kaylee to an indoor play area and rather than going home after we were done, we went to the nearby metropark with the kickass playground AND took a 3/4 mile walk. Then minor retail therapy at Play it Again Sports where I found toddler size soccer cleats. ADORABLE. Kaylee starts soccer at the end of the month and I'm excited!

Being outside today definitely helped me feel better. I need to promise myself to get outside every day.

Tomorrow we're going to a different metropark that has a farm and a 'meet the babies' every morning. That's more for me than Kaylee, but she'll enjoy it and it will get us out of the house.  Thursday we're meeting Elyse (online Mom friend) at her house for coffee. Her daughter will be at school, but Kaylee will be able to run wild in the house and play with toys.

Sunday Grandma is taking Kaylee for the whole day. Eric and I plan to have a nice long Skype DnD session with WA friends. Grandma does not know this is why we wanted child sitting.

I am going to try and get a massage next week while Kaylee is in school. And maybe start moving some of my horse stuff in to the new barn.

I also have my solo camping trip to volunteer for an endurance ride coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am excited about that, except I can't find my hiking boots. Grr.

Most everything else is out of my control, so I'm going to focus on things that I can do for myself. I'm also going to make an appointment to see an OB and talk about fertility.



I was supposed to fly back in May to assist with a horse show at Hollywood Hill Saddle Club. It was going to be the Hunter Jumper's first judged show. We'd previously done only fun shows where you pay for a round in the ring to practice with a jump course. (Notice I still say we... can't help myself)  That show got moved to July because the ride organizer, my friend Jan, broke her leg. I had already purchased my flight before I even moved to Michigan and she didn't let me know early enough to avoid the fee for changing/cancelling my flight. I had thought that I might not be able to make the new date but Eric cleared that up today, so I'll be able to return to WA in July for a day or so to help with the show anyway! That helped cheer me up today.

Information Filing

We have been trying to conceive for over a year now. There are about three months where the trying effort likely fell short of an actual attempt at conception but regardless, I anticipate being pregnant within the next 2 years. Since I do like to prepare, and research my options well in advance of actually needing the information (i.e. I am not currently pregnant to my knowledge) I've made a list of midwives who do homebirth here in the Detroit area.

This list is one side of the coin for me. I really don't have it in me to discuss what's going on in my headspace to make me compile such a list. Anyway. Listy list. Here we go.


http://michiganmidwives.org/directory/

http://www.mazzaramidwifery.com/index.php/home

http://www.nineshortmonths.com/index.html

http://www.michiganmidwife.com/

http://birthmidwifery.com/about/

http://www.birthandmorewellness.com/

http://its-your-birth.com/



I need to compile an OBGYN list next, and find a good forum to ask a few questions I have. Otherwise I'm likely to be doctor hopping because doctors and I don't... get along well. And I may need to pursue fertility treatments since it's been over a year with no results, not even a miscarriage.

I really miss my WA midwife, Elias, right now.

He rocked.

Taking baby Kaylee's measurements the day she was born while Eric looks on.

 

In Michigan

I'm feeling a lot more level headed now that I'm with Eric. I'm housebound, since I'm still waiting on my car to arrive, but that should be in the next day or so. Then I'll be applying for a position at the state park down the road to work in the Stewardship department. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm also going to be contacting a daycare for Kaylee to attend. I hope they have openings, that would simplify me applying for this job.

Our belongings arrived this morning. The same team that packed up our house unloaded everything. We are spread between the front garage, attached garage and space in the house. Stuff that I will need next month is easily accessible, and all the irreplaceable items (viola, violin, saddle) are accounted for and safe. The one thing that didn't survive seems to be the router, but we bought a new one today and it works beautifully.

Kaylee is adjusting well, though she had a bout of stomach virus that left me frantically doing laundry. The time change (both distance and spring forward) hasn't really imposed on us at all, so that's nice.

It was frigid the first couple of days and by yesterday, warmed up to the 40s F. The St. Clair River in the backyard was completely frozen over and now, today, it's free flowing again. Spring is clawing its way into Michigan. It makes me happy. The sun makes me happy too.

But people are still crazy and are driving out onto the ice of the lakes. I really hope someone is monitoring the thickness because the moment I start to see slush, I really don't think it's safe anymore.


Going somewhat backwards in time

Playing in the snow despite the cold

Worn out sick, asleep in Dad's lap

Cars on the lake ice

Happy to rediscover her trampoline (and the piano!)

Saying goodbye to the Cascades

Alaska provided a coloring book and crayons!

Sunrise over the Cascades as we drove to the airport early wednesday morning

Rainbow Place

A friend of mine pasted a facebook status about saying goodbye to a home for the first time in his life, one that he started raising a family in. I started crying, just reading it and imagining driving away from our house for the last time.

I love our house. It's far from perfect but it was the first place we could make our own and really match it to our personalities. And for crying out loud, the street name is Rainbow Place. Isn't that just the epitome of awesome?! In the land of numbered street names, it's pretty rad, let me tell you.

We were able to start to really see our vision for being a sustainable, renewable family come to fruition. The flooring we installed was eco friendly bamboo and cork and remnant tile. We were looking into getting a rain barrel. We used a push mower, then an electric, no gas. We built raised garden beds to grow fruit and vegetables to eat.

We installed FUCKING SOLAR PANELS.


Now, nothing prevents us from doing this again. But I feel invested in this house. I feel like we're leaving it too early. And the one thing I finally admitted to myself as I cried into my pillow was this:

I don't want to go.

Everything logical about the move makes it the right thing but my heart is just aching. Maybe it would be easier if Eric wasn't gone already, 2000 miles away loving his new job. Maybe if I wasn't faced with the prospect of being without my horse for 2-3 months. Maybe it's the stress of being a single parent for longer than a day or two. I don't know.


I was hoping for a pick me up tonight. The barn was holding a farewell party for me. Dani couldn't make it, her work ran late and then she had other things that I knew she was going to have to get to. There's a big horse show that a group went to. One person is in Michigan for a wedding. Everyone had other things to do.

It hurts. And I hope it didn't show. I made shredded beef with some of the grass feed 1/4 cow I bought last year with a friend. It was amazing. I brought dinner rolls. One person brought banana cream pie. Two others brought cookies. 8 people showed. 4 of them were kids, one of the four was my own.

I kind of suspected, because it was potluck and the sign up board for what people were bringing was pretty damn sparse. But I made a damn good shredded beef in the crockpot. My house smelled fucking AMAZING all day. And everyone who had it loved it. And it was just enough to feed the people who were there, so in the end that was good. 

I'm going to the tack sale tomorrow to try and find some things to outfit my eventual barn with. I've got some significant cash but I doubt I'll spend it all. I might try and snag a buddy saddle if the price is reasonable. Maybe a pony saddle :D I also consigned some of my stuff. I hope it sells.

I'm thinking saddle racks and bridle racks, a whip holder, mounting block. Who knows. Pitchfork would be awesome. We'll see. But NOT BRIDLES FOR GWYN. Or halters. I have plenty. Self, DO NOT BUY THOSE THINGS. A lunge whip, though, that would be okay. Somehow I lose them to barn gremlins. Maybe tiny riding pants for Kaylee :D Ooo!

Then sunday Kaylee goes to daycare. And I go for a one last hurrah trail ride with Cortney and Blaine. This will hopefully be the redemption for tonight's downer. I really hope.

And maybe locking the door and leaving the keys will be okay. Because I need to embrace the new adventure that awaits and realizing a childhood dream of waking up and seeing my horse out my window. That would ease my heartache.